Do You Not Yet Have Faith?

28 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Bible Reflections, Blessed Sacrament, Confession, Eucharistic Adoration, Faith, Fear, Prayer, Reconciliation

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Desert, Faith, I Trust In You, Jesus, Mark 1:21-28, Mark 4:40, Prayer, Reconciliation, Reflection, Spiritual Warfare

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– St. Augustine

God continues to work in my life! And, after reading today’s Gospel, Mark 1:21-28, about Jesus casting out the unclean spirit from the man in the synagogue; and yesterday’s Gospel, Mark 4:35-41, about the Apostles’ lack of faith while in their boat during the storm, I feel compelled to tell you how He recently touched me and helped my faith grow deeper.

My wife and I had a wonderful but busy Christmas season. We traveled to Europe to visit our daughter who was studying abroad, and we toured parts of Belgium, France and Germany.

We returned home on the 31st and caught up on a few necessary items before driving to Kansas City on Friday the 5th for our grandson Jack’s third birthday. Then, on Monday, I went on to my second in-residence week of training (also in Kansas City) to become a spiritual mentor.

To say that I had been looking forward to this week would be an understatement. I was dying to get there and experience another week of God’s peace and the joy that radiates from the Sisters of the Apostles of the Interior Life (AVI).

Don’t get me wrong, I truly loved spending quality time with my wife and daughter over the holiday, but with all the traveling and site-seeing I let my daily routine of meditative prayer slide. And, I dearly missed it. I was so looking forward to getting back on track, to the spiritual formation and the times of silence and solitude in the coming week.

When I checked in I immediately felt a sense of belonging. The Sisters of the AVI and alumni mentors were there to meet me and the other students with whom I had become friends during our first session last May. We soon went to mass, had dinner, and had our first classroom session.

By bedtime I was ready to pack my bags, get in my truck and go home.

In a matter of a few hours everything about me transformed from being on fire to being consumed with doubt in my ability to ever succeed as a mentor, and a total sense of unworthiness to be there amid so many holy people. I hurt.

I laid in bed begging Jesus for direction on what I needed to do to shake the fear. I was confused and worried. I knew I needed to trust in Him but I just couldn’t make myself let go.

I awoke the next morning in worse condition than when I fell asleep. I prayed but still didn’t know what to do. I began my daily meditation by reading the scripture for the day. The Gospel for that morning, January 9th, was Mark 1:21-28 (the same passage as today). When I read about Jesus casting out the demon from the man, I was reminded of the spiritual warfare I had last year that made me fearful of posting on my blog. It was deja vu all over again! I thought, “Okay, been there and done that”, so I changed my prayer from, “Jesus, help me figure this out!”, to, “Jesus, I trust in You!” I prayed for the grace to truly turn it over to Him.

But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t happening.

The order of the day began with morning prayer followed by meditation, an opportunity for reconciliation, an hour of Eucharistic Adoration, and a half day of silent retreat dubbed “the Desert”. Fr. Allessandro led the meditation in his soft, kind, Italian accented voice. Between his accent, my hearing aids and the acoustics in the chapel, I barely understood a word he said. But, somewhere in the middle of his talk I heard, “In the desert, you can’t hide from your fear.”

I knew God was talking to me and I was meant to hear those words even if I understood nothing else. I knew something was going to happen while “in the Desert”, but I didn’t know what.

Feeling ashamed of my failure to put all my faith in Jesus, I felt compelled to go to reconciliation as soon as the meditation was over. I confessed to Fr. Steve that my prayer life had been naught over the prior three weeks and I desperately wanted to get it back. I explained my feeling of unworthiness to be there and confessed that I simply couldn’t find a way to turn it over and totally trust in Jesus. Kindly, he told me there isn’t a day goes by during which he doesn’t feel unworthy to be a priest but he knows God called him to be one. And, he told me he knows God called me to be there and to be in the program. Christ, working through Fr. Steve’s hands, forgave me for my unbelief.

I left the confessional and said my one Our Father for my penance. I knelt on the tile floor before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and I started to say, “Jesus, I trust in You.” But, before I uttered the first syllable, I felt an overwhelming rush of consuming love wash over me. If I hadn’t already been on both knees, I would have collapsed to them. In that instant of giving my heart and fear to Him, I felt and heard Him say, “Don’t be afraid, I’ve got this! You’re my beloved.” I broke into tears.

From that moment, the rest of the week was perfect! I couldn’t have asked for more.

Later that day, I recalled the one other time I felt touched by Jesus in this same way (see Put Your Faith Where Your Prayer Is ). It was when I was praying for my four day old grandson Jack’s life as he lay in the NICU at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City. I had finally realized there was nothing I could do to help him when, in that moment of giving it up I began to say, “Jesus, I trust in You”, He hit me with the same overwhelming feeling of love and I heard Him tell me, “Don’t be afraid, Jack’s going to be okay.”

Thinking about Jack now as a healthy and normal little boy, I realized it was exactly three years to the day since that first event. Coincidence? I don’t think so. No, I think it was Jesus reminding me and asking me, “Do you not yet have faith?” (Mark 4:40)

I know I’ve shared many stories over the last five years about how God has worked in my life. But, folks, He is with us and is just waiting for us to open our minds to the truth, our hearts to His love, and our eyes to see the tangible signs of his presence in everything around us. I’m nobody special. You can find Him in your life, too.

God bless you!

“Lord Jesus, thank You for Your infinite love, Your forgiveness, and Your patience. Thank You for leading me to the Father. Holy Spirit, thank You for opening my heart and mind to the Word of God, and for opening my eyes to see His presence in the ordinary things of my life. Amen.”

(Do You Not Yet Have Faith? was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

©2013-2018 Reflections of a Lay Catholic. Reposting and sharing of material in its full and original content is permitted, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author(s) and Reflections of a Lay Catholic.

Giving Your Heart

04 Sunday Dec 2016

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Charity, Confession, Grace, Mass, Prayer

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Charity, Confession, Gift of the Heart, Giving Your Heart to Jesus, Mass, Prayer, Presentation of the Gifts

As we began singing the hymn during the presentation of the gifts this morning, the usher passed the collection bowl down our pew. As always, we passed it to the next person without putting anything in it. Rather than write a check every week, we make our contribution once a month. Let me rephrase that – my wife, who manages our money, makes the contribution for the both of us once a month through an electronic fund transfer. I don’t have to do anything other than sing when it’s time (and, I’m sure, some folks wish I wouldn’t even do that!)

While I was singing, my mind drifted to that thought, “I don’t have to do anything.” Then, as the bread and wine were brought to the altar and the collection was placed at its base, I suddenly felt ashamed of myself. Although our monthly gift surely helps the parish and those in need, it’s given remotely and matter-of-factly. It’s just something we do every month. Perhaps my wife says a prayer of gratitude for the ability to contribute and a prayer for whoever may benefit from it when she clicks the button to make the EFT happen, but I don’t do anything.

I realized that I was missing something. At a minimum, I thought, I ought to consciously acknowledge our offering and pray that it helps someone. But, ideally, it’s more than that. The presentation of the gifts at the beginning of the Liturgy of the Eucharist is offering a gift to Jesus himself. And, it doesn’t matter whether I make a monthly electronic contribution or drop an envelope in the bowl each week, the gift He wants more than anything else is the gift of my heart offered willingly with love – the acknowledgement that I am giving myself to Him. A monetary contribution is nice, but hiding behind it without giving Him the gift He truly desires is like buying an expensive gift for your child’s birthday without showing up in person.

I realized that in giving myself to Him each time I attend mass, I am making a commitment to subordinate my will to His. Near the beginning of mass, during the Introductory Rites, I confess my venial sins and ask forgiveness in the Penitential Act. There is always something I can think of about which I regret doing or not doing. His forgiveness of these sins allows me to start anew. Thus, recommitting myself to Him and praying, “I am Yours, Lord”, after I am forgiven, time after time, day after day, seems only fitting.

I know that the next time I attend mass I will take to heart the meaning behind the presentation of the gifts. I will sing and I will watch the family who brings the gifts to the altar. But, I will also offer a prayer to Jesus that he accepts my gift, the gift of my heart, and my commitment, again, to allow His will to be done.

I don’t know for sure, but I have a feeling, that many who have gone to church day in and day out their entire lives probably do just like I have done – use this time during the presentation of the gifts to sing (or not) and let their minds wander. Won’t you join me, instead, to recommit and imagine that it is our hearts which are being laid at the base of the altar?

“Lord Jesus, I give You thanks for Your forgiveness as I offer You the gift You truly desire, the gift of my heart. I pray for the grace that one day I will not have any sins of commission or omission to confess, knowing that I have allowed Your will to be done. Amen.”

(Giving Your Heart was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

©2016 Reflections of a Lay Catholic. Reposting and sharing of material in its full and original content is permitted, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author(s) and Reflections of a Lay Catholic.

A Confessional Curveball

18 Friday Mar 2016

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Confession, Reconciliation

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Confession, Reconciliation, Sins of Commission, Sins of Omission

In yesterday’s post, Tomorrow May Not Come, I mentioned how, when examining my conscience before our parish communal penance service, I couldn’t think of any sins I had committed since my confession last Saturday. But, through a God-moment, I remembered there are two types of sins – Sins of Commission, things I’ve done wrong, and Sins of Omission, things I should have done but failed to do.

In the relatively short time I’ve been Catholic, I confess to you that I have never really understood the aspect of Sins of Omission until this last weekend when the two types were explained to me by a deacon. So, for the first time ever, I took time to examine my conscience in light of “what I had failed to do”. I didn’t come up with much but what I did find made the exercise worth doing.

I went to reconciliation last night and, to one of the four priests there, I confessed my sins of omission. And, I learned something interesting: most people focus on their wrong actions, their sins of commission, but very few take time to think about what they should have done but didn’t, their sins of omission. For when I told the priest the what and the why of the two things for which I was sorry, he said, “Whoa, wait a minute, it’s been years since anyone confessed to me what they have failed to do! Let me consider for a second what to do about this!” After a few moments he continued, “I’ll tell you what, it sounds like you know what you ought to do, so your penance is to go and do those things.” I think I heard a sigh of relief.

My guess is that most of you, when examining your own consciences, probably don’t think about your sins of omission. Maybe you ought to. Rise up and separate yourself from the crowd. It feels good to recognize those areas where you need to do better. And, as always, it feels good to receive forgiveness for them. But, there is something else: there’s just a touch of satisfaction in pitching a change-up and have the priest take it looking.

So, folks, when you take time for an examination of your conscience, consider your sins of omission. Broaden your repertoire. Then, instead of your usual fastball, go throw your priest a Confessional Curveball. He may appreciate it as much as you will.

God bless.

(A Confessional Curveball was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

Tomorrow May Not Come

17 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Confession, Reconciliation

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Tags

Confession, Mercy, Omission of Sins, Reconciliation, St. Augustine

The Confession, Crespi, 1712

The last few days have been extremely busy for me: out of town travel, nights away from home, meetings, extended conference calls, training, and the like. This morning on my way to work I thought, “Man, I’m looking forward to a quiet evening at home tonight, just my wife and me.” Then, about five minutes later when I got to work and checked my weekly calendar, I realized that tonight is already spoken for: we have our parish Lenten Communal Penance Service at 7:00 p.m. I had completely forgotten about it.

My reaction to this was, of course, to consider whether I’ve committed any sins since my last confession last Saturday. Thinking that I am in pretty good spiritual shape at the moment, I thought, “Nah, I’m good.”

At my mid-morning break I opened my daily devotional of writings of Saint Augustine. I was looking for today’s date but the little ribbon that marked the page of my last reading was on the previous page. Before flipping the page I casually perused what was written there, and then, smiling, I once again accepted that He often gives me the direction I need exactly when I need it. I read:

“God is not now so long-suffering in putting up with you that He will fail to be just in punishing. Do not say then: ‘Tomorrow I shall be converted, tomorrow I shall please God, and all that I shall have done today and yesterday will be forgiven me.’

“What you say is true: God has promised forgiveness if you turn back to Him. But, what He has not promised is that you will have tomorrow in which to achieve your conversion.” – Saint Augustine, Commentary on Psalm 144,11

I thought, “Okay, I hear You, God, you’re telling me I ought to perhaps rethink my plans for tonight.”

I suspect that wasn’t quite the reaction God was looking for because the very next thought that came to mind was the confession we make at the beginning of mass:

“I confess to almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned through my own fault, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and in what I have failed to do….”

My mind zeroed in on the line, “….and in what I have failed to do”. My idea that I haven’t committed any sins in the last five days may be true, but I failed to consider my sins of omission, those things which I should have done but failed to do.

“Have I given my whole heart to God this week? Yeah, I think so.”

“Have I prayed as often as I should? Have my prayers been sincere and a true conversation with God? I’d say my piety has been better than normal lately.”

“Have I loved my family as I should and let them know my love for them? Ah ha! Because I’ve been so busy, I haven’t talked to my daughters this week and told them how much I love them! I need to do that.”

“In the absence of committing an unkind act, have I omitted intentionally showing kindness to others? No, I think I did pretty well in this category.”

“Have I been productive when I could have been, or have I been lazy instead? Hmmm, okay, you’ve got me there, that important thing I’ve been procrastinating about needs my serious attention!”

I guess I know where I’ll be tonight. But, that’s okay. As I often hear people say, “It’s all good”. I’ve never been to reconciliation without coming away feeling relieved, as though my load is lightened. I always feel God’s presence and feel strengthened by His forgiving Love.

This is the season of Lent. And, if your parish has a Lenten Penance Service, take advantage of it and let God’s mercy lift some of that excess baggage off of you. If you’ve let your parish Penance Service pass you by, you still have time before Holy week to take advantage of your regularly scheduled reconciliation opportunity. Make time for it. Open your heart and let God’s presence and His Healing Light shine into the dark recesses of your soul, and be renewed. God is constantly ready to forgive us if we just turn to Him. Do it soon. Your “tomorrow” may not come.

God bless you all.

(Tomorrow May Not Come was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

The Bad and Good of Sinning on Monday

24 Wednesday Jun 2015

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Confession, Eucharistic Adoration, Reconciliation

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Confession, Eucharistic Adoration, God-moments, Mercy, Reconciliation, St. Augustine

The Return of the Prodigal Son – Bartolome’ Murillo, 1670

I’m a sinner. We all are in our own way and to our own degree. It’s our nature. It’s called concupiscence.

It seems no matter how hard I try I can’t not sin. Oh, I can go for three or four straight weeks and only commit a few minor venial sins (or so I think), but inevitably, through my own conscious free will, I cave in to temptation or an old habit that hasn’t yet been completely unlearned; or I act rashly in a disrespectful or uncharitable manner which I immediately regret. It tears me up – mostly because I know what I did was wrong and, also, partly because it injures the pride I’ve built up for having worked hard to improve and sin less as time has passed.

When I do this I know that waiting until Sunday morning mass and asking for forgiveness during the Penitential Act just isn’t going to cut it. No, there’s only one thing I can do to get right with God – make a trip to Reconciliation on Saturday afternoon and humbly lay it on the line to Him. The guilt and shame weighs heavily enough on my conscience that I know it’s pointless for me to try to talk my way out of it.

It seems to me that my most serious falls from grace occur early in the week, on Monday or Tuesday. When that happens I have the rest of the week until Saturday to contemplate and painfully stew on the thing(s) I wish I hadn’t done. Why can’t I commit all my more serious sins on Friday night or Saturday morning?

Sometimes during those several days between sin and forgiveness I find myself creating elaborate excuses for why I did the misdeed. But, eventually, I always get to, and spend sufficient time at, the appropriate level of contriteness needed for my confession. This, I think, is one of the beautiful things about the Catholic Church. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is such a great gift. Confessing my transgressions to God while I’m physically looking into the eyes of a real person, forces me to be honest with myself, the priest, and especially with Him. If I couldn’t do that I’m sure I would fall victim to my own inventions, justifying that the onus for my actions belongs elsewhere instead of solely with me.

When I do visit the priest and confess my sins to God with a truly contrite heart, and promise to not sin in that way again, I am often surprised at the lenient penance given to me. I usually feel as though I deserve less mercy and I’m always grateful for the mercy I do receive. But, then, sometimes I believe that those few days during which I agonized over my sin until I could get to confession may have served as partial penance. At least I hope so.

Last week as I waited for Saturday to roll around, I made my usual Holy Hour of Adoration on Friday afternoon. The convenience of this dawned on me: it is the perfect, last chance opportunity to thoroughly examine my conscience, shed the excuses and take full ownership for my actions. After all, it would be just a little difficult, if not foolish, to not get it right while I’m kneeling in front of the Tabernacle looking up at Jesus, and Him looking down upon me.

During that quiet hour last Friday I took time to read from my daily St. Augustine devotional. I was a couple weeks behind so I picked up where I left off with the passage from June 4th entitled, “Pride Can Destroy”. St. Augustine wrote:

“Paradoxically, it is good, in a way, for those who observe continence and are proud of it to fall, so that they may be humbled in that very thing on which they pride themselves. What benefit is continence for us if pride holds sway over our lives?”

What can I say? I can’t make this stuff up. He knows what I need to hear! This was just another one of those God-moments I’ve come to expect while I’m at Adoration. I looked at the Tabernacle and thought what a great and merciful Lord we have. All He wants us to do when we are tempted to sin is to look to Him and ask for His help. So simple, but our human nature makes it so difficult to accept His will. And I thought, if this is the way He reveals the truth to me, then, if I’m going to sin, maybe it’s not such a bad thing after all to do so early in the week!

I continued to read my devotional. Each daily passage is followed by a prayer from St. Augustine. The prayer for June 5^th read:

“Lord, You truly gave me free will, but without You my effort is worthless. You give help since You are the One Who created, and You do not abandon Your creation.”

Amen.

(The Bad and Good of Sinning on Monday was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

©2015 Reflections of a Lay Catholic. Reposting and sharing of material in its full and original content is permitted, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author(s) and Reflections of a Lay Catholic.

Corn, Confession, Cathedrals and Car Trouble

07 Sunday Jul 2013

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Churches, Confession

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Cathedrals, Confession

Day two of my solo trip from Cincinnati, Ohio to Seattle, Washington.

There is a lot of corn along I-29 through northwest Missouri, western Iowa and southeastern South Dakota, and then along I-90 west of Sioux Falls to the Missouri River. I mean a lot! And it goes for as far as the eye can see. I think it made it to “knee high by the fourth of July”, as the saying goes, so the farmers ought to be happy.

I left my daughter’s house in Olathe, Kansas a little later than I expected but that’s okay, we had a good visit. There’s not much to look at except rolling hills and corn, corn and more corn across Iowa. I had to give the music CDs and the book on tape I brought with me a break so I turned them off and tuned into my own thoughts. I reflected back on my post from the day before, specifically my comment about being able to throw my trash in the back seat without anyone telling me not to. That reminded me of something author Matthew Kelly says in his book The Seven Pillars of Catholic Spirituality. He uses that as an analogy for our daily sins. We sin a little here and a little there, and we let them slowly build up until we have a heap of them. Kind of like the rolled up fast food bags piled up on the floor board of the back seat. It’s been a month or more since I went to reconciliation and I started thinking about how the trash in my personal back seat was starting to pile up.

I had to stop for gas in Sioux City, Iowa so I logged onto masstimes.org again to see if there were any churches in Sioux Falls, South Dakota that I might be able to find that had reconciliation scheduled for about the time I would be passing through there. The one that came closest was the Cathedral of St. Joseph, the home church of the bishop of the diocese. I checked my GPS and I could be there ten minutes early. Sounded like a plan to me.

I was glad I decided to stop because by the time I got there I was beginning to get sleepy. I entered the church and found two lines for confession, each about six or seven people long. Fortunately, there were two confessionals going at once and my line moved fairly quickly. These were old fashioned confessionals of carved, rich mahogany wood, with screens only so I couldn’t actually see the priest. I got lucky and had a very nice priest. I had nothing too serious to confess but I think the priest, after me telling him I am still new at this business, gave me three Hail Marys for either practice or just so I wouldn’t think I was wasting my time.

St. Joseph’s Cathedral is a beautiful church. I decided to stay for the Saturday afternoon mass since I didn’t know if I would be able to find a church on Sunday morning. The priest gave a very nice homily. The music was marvelous! The organist made the huge, old organ sing. After mass the thought occurred to me that it might be neat to post daily about the churches I am visiting on this cross-country trip. So, I took some pictures, inside and out.

St. Joseph’s Cathedral, Sioux Falls, SD

St. Joseph’s Cathedral Organ, Sioux Falls, SD

Back on the road heading west on I-90, I passed unknown millions of acres of more corn. My stop at church put me getting to my sister-in-law’s house south of Rapid City, South Dakota a little later than I expected. I was tooling along with the windows down, watching a thunderstorm roll in with a magnificent show of lightning, and otherwise enjoying the scenery with about 100 miles to go when the cruise control on my Subaru Outback decided to quit working. In addition to the cruise light on the dash blinking continuously, the red brake light also began blinking continuously, the check engine light came on and stayed on as did the traction control light. There was no change in power or performance so I assume it is simply a cruise control problem. Of course, it was Saturday night and I have a lot of miles to cover before any Subaru maintenance shops would be open on Monday morning. We’ll see where it takes me.

I arrived at my destination about 9:30 local time with about 760 miles under my belt for the day, 1,400 for the trip. My sister and brother-in-law fed me a wonderful dinner of grilled chicken and asparagus and we caught up with each other’s lives. They just moved into a new house in the Black Hills south of town and this was my first visit to it. Upon waking this morning I looked out the huge windows of their family room across valleys of pine trees to see Mount Rushmore. It was a beautiful view!

Tonight’s destination is a campground somewhere near Missoula, Montana. Preferably near a mountain stream where I can dream about flipping a dry fly into a riffle where an 18 inch Rainbow is waiting. Alas, with no time to fish, I can only dream about it on this trip.

The Parable of the Lost Son – Part Two

02 Sunday Jun 2013

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Confession, Prayer, Reconciliation, Renewal

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

God-moments, Golden Boy, Jason Gray, Parable of the Prodigal Son, Prayer, Reconciliation, Self-mercy

My last posting was about showing mercy to yourself and it was labeled Part One because I felt what I had to say was too long for one post. My plan was to simply wait a week and post the remainder of it as Part Two. But, things changed. In the last week I have had some very thought provoking and inspiring conversation with a close friend who helped me work through some issues and, as a result of his caring and insight, I felt it necessary to revise what I had previously written. It’s a little longer than I would have liked but I hope it’s worth your time to read it.

It seems this parable of Jesus’ won’t leave me alone. I think that’s probably a sign I need it. The author of Advent’s Little Blue Book, which I referenced in Part One, decided to write in the Lenten season’s Little Black Book on March 11, 2013 more about this parable. This time he took a different approach. He wrote:

“Jesus composed the parable of the prodigal son because of complaints from the Pharisees and scribes that Jesus was welcoming sinners and eating with them. Jesus was too easy on sinners, they said. He celebrated with them. His forgiveness was instantaneous; his spirit was warmth and joy. It was okay for the Pharisees and scribes to let sinners reform….but they wanted them to crawl back. Let them learn a lesson. Let them stew for a while. It’s no time for celebration – this is serious, grim business. So Jesus put together a story in which the elder son ends up telling the father that he was too easy on the younger son.”

“To appreciate the impact of Jesus’ parable, I need to see that Jesus is arguing about me. That’s me the Pharisees and scribes are talking about – a sinner who is constantly forgiven and loved by God. Someone is complaining that I have sinned before, and that my repentance is far from perfect. Jesus knows my motives aren’t always perfect. That’s why he told the parable of the Prodigal Son. It describes my relationship with God in real life terms.”

In Part One, I asked whether you have ever done something that has left you shaking your head because, in hindsight, you realized it was either morally or ethically wrong, something that was way out of character for you but you did it anyway even though you knew it was wrong, or something that you have been trying not to do but it just happens without you thinking about it and you don’t yet know how to keep yourself from doing it? In Jason Gray’s song The Golden Boy and the Prodigal, the last verse of which I quoted in Part One, he alludes to this situation this time in the first verse of the song¹:

There are two sides to every person, like the two sides of a dime

Heads or tails it depends upon who’s watching at the time.

Though I hate to say it mine is no exception,

One part is the Prodigal, the other part deception.

I love those first two lines. That’s me. For example, if you asked a family member, a friend or two, and a couple co-workers what type of person I am, I’m sure you would get several different opinions. Another example would be that I can keep a promise to someone else but often fail to keep promises to myself. Generally, I’d say the person most people see in me is the Golden Boy, or the deception, and the person I see when I look in the mirror is the Prodigal. And that’s what bothers me.

Let me give you an example. I’ve been trying to lose a little weight. Well, a lot of weight actually but a little is a starting point. I’ve told the people at my main office in Ohio of my intentions, I guess you could say they are pseudo accountability partners for me, and when I eat lunch there I’m usually pretty good about what I eat. But, when I’m away from that office I find it easy to slip-slide and pig out without anyone the wiser. A couple weeks before my baptism into the Church I was at our office in Indiana and I gave a presentation to a group of employees. It was a stressful presentation and it ran up to lunch time. They ordered pizza in for lunch and I ate most of a large pizza on my own before I hit the road. As I was on my way out of town I passed a Dairy Queen and had an immediate urge for a Blizzard. The marquee said the special was mint brownie chip. A small wasn’t good enough so I got a medium sized one, instead. It was darn good, too. Then, about ten miles down the road it hit me what I had just done! It was like I was on auto pilot or something. The stress from the meeting drove the cravings and they drove the overindulgence. Not until I relaxed was I cognizant of what had just taken place. I found a section of road with a wide shoulder, I pulled over and I commenced giving myself a mental beating that was sure to have made the devil proud. I had been praying every day for help and strength to get past the temptations and I promised myself and God that I would do better. Up until this point I had been doing pretty well. But this day I fell, and fell hard. I sat there in my car, consumed with remorse, praying for forgiveness, and I promised again that I would do better. I was making myself “crawl back” just like the Pharisees would have me do. And, unlike I suggested in Part One, I obviously had forgotten everything I had learned about showing mercy to myself.

In my pre-Catholic life things would happen every now and then that I would call coincidence. But, in my new life I find myself looking for those instances and, because of that, they seem to happen much more frequently and with such clarity that I no longer believe them to be coincidences. I believe they happen on purpose and I call them God-moments: those times when God shows Himself in some unexpected way. What would happen next was just one of those moments.

I collected myself and I put the car in drive, waited for the traffic to clear and I pulled back on the road. I turned the car stereo on. Now, I hadn’t listened to the stereo since sometime the previous day and wasn’t even sure what was in the CD player. But, the very first words to come out of the speakers were these²:

Too long have I lived in the shadows of shame

Believing that there was no way I could change

But the one who is making everything new

Doesn’t see me the way that I do

I am not who I was, I am being remade

I am new

I am chosen and holy and I’m dearly loved

I am new

Forgiven beloved, hidden in Christ

Made in the image of the Giver of Life

Righteous and holy, reborn and remade

Accepted and worthy, this is my new name

“The one who is making everything new doesn’t see me the way that I do…”. Now, if that isn’t God talking to me with the very words I needed to hear at the very moment when I needed Him the most, I don’t know what is. God wasn’t making me crawl back and he didn’t give me more time than I needed to stew on it, either. Just like Jesus said. And I didn’t waste any time in finding a place to pull back over and bow my head in prayer to offer my thanks to God for his love.

So, fast forward to this week and I was telling my friend about the stress I’ve been under lately, how I’ve not been living up to the promises I had made to myself, how I’m kicking myself over it, and about the dry spell in God-moments I’d been having. I told him I wasn’t sure what it would feel like to be in such good grace that I would feel an overpowering contentment from God’s love. My friend told me, “God loves you man. God loves the good and bad about you. No one is perfect. God knows that, we are not perfect. We all fall short and all sin…over and over again. But, God is there always to guide us. Look to God to help you, to change you, to better you as a person. God loves you as you are, no matter what. He knows you better than anyone and knows your sins. The instant you confess your sins they are forgiven. From there, let it go. Let God help you work on yourself to be a better you.” It was like my friend had just read that passage in the Little Black Book from March 11, and was paraphrasing it back to me.

So, I took a moment to pray for God to help me feel His love. And it was then that I remembered that instance in the car when those song lyrics played and reassured me of His love. I had forgotten that moment, that feeling. My friend’s caring and faithful counsel brought it back to me. It also reminded me of the need to show mercy to myself. Plus, I hadn’t had a good God-moment in weeks and here I was getting a load of them dumped on me all at once. Again, just what I needed to get me out of my funk. I thank God for His love and the love of good friends.

Good night and God bless.

Confession: Why Bother?

18 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by CWhittenburg in Confession, Prayer, Reconciliation

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Biblical Submission, Confession, Ephesians 5, Reconciliation, servant leadership

Psalm 25:11 “For the sake of your name, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.”

Throughout late 2010 and into all of 2011, I worked to become a better spiritual leader to Elissa and my three daughters. However, I struggled with the guilt of my past sins and prayed for guidance frequently. The answer, of course, was in front of me every Saturday afternoon before 5:30 mass but I tried not to see it. In December of 2011, God finally got through my thick skull that I needed to reconcile with Him by confessing my sins to Him through the sacrament of reconciliation.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says, “The confession of sins, even from a simply human point of view, frees us and facilitates our reconciliation with others. Through such an admission, man looks squarely at the sins he is guilty of, takes responsibility for them, and thereby opens himself again to God and to the communion of the Church in order to make a new future possible.”

The problem was that I hadn’t been to confession in over 30 years and couldn’t even remember what to do. I had to look up the rules on-line and re-memorize an act of contrition. It seemed simple enough: Walk in, say hello Father it has been 30 years since my last confession. He’ll then ask me to state my sins. I figured that might take awhile for me. After that, he might ask me questions for clarification and then ask me to make an act of contrition, give me penance, and say a prayer of absolution. Why was it so hard for me to step into the confessional?

During Advent of 2011, I finally worked up the nerve to go. I did not tell Elissa in advance just in case I chickened out. I went to 7 a.m. mass downtown at the cathedral, spoke with the priest after mass, and confessed the worst of my past. When I was done, I felt a wave of relief and lightness in my soul that I had never felt before. Elissa and I had always joked that if I ever went, the poor priest’s head would explode with all my sins. I sent a simple text to Elissa “The priest’s head didn’t explode.”

Ephesians 4:22-24 “You should put away the old self of your former way of life, corrupted through deceitful desires, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new self, created in God’s way in righteousness and holiness of truth.”

Reconciliation brought me great relief and a renewed desire to grow in my faith. It brought me closer to God, and made me want to amend my life in several ways.

Reconciliation made me want to grow in my faith. I signed up for a Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) weekend in April 2012. Hearing the stories of the men during my receiving weekend moved me deeply. I realized that I was not alone in my troubles and that there was hope for a sinner like me. I attended reconciliation that weekend and felt a new sense of peace. I also did something I never thought I would do, join a CRHP giving team. Those six months were a blessing in my life as I came to know, love, and respect all the men on my giving team. Those blessings continued in March of 2013 when I joined several other men in Morristown, Tennessee to present CRHP for the very first time to 19 men at St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.

Reconciliation made me want to be a better husband to Elissa. To help with that, Elissa and I attended a marriage encounter weekend in May 2012. If you have not gone to one, I highly recommend it. We learned so much about each other, improved our communication, and renewed our commitment to each other. During that weekend, we promised each other that we would try couples prayer. Neither of us had much experience with spontaneous prayers said aloud. I am happy to say that we have prayed together for a year now and it continues to bring us closer to each other and to God.

Reconciliation made me want to be a better father to my girls. Dr. Meg Meeker, in her book, “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” wrote, “Our daughters need the support that only fathers can provide—and if you are willing to guide your daughter, to stand between her and a toxic culture, to take her to a healthier place, your rewards will be unmatched…The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long-term is by losing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her. If you don’t provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will.”

In the summer of 2012, I started date night with Daddy for the girls. Each month, one of my daughters picks an activity for just the two of us. I have taken them to baseball games, fancy dinners at the Golden Lamb, and putt-putt golfing at the Web on Cincinnati-Dayton Road. What we do together isn’t really the point. What is important to the girls is that they get one-on-one time with their father. I do this to try to demonstrate what love is to my girls so that as they get older they do not seek love from others in inappropriate ways.

Reconciliation made me want to be an active participant at our parish. I did that by becoming a lector last year. It has helped me focus on God’s word and set a leadership example to my wife and daughters. One benefit I got from lectoring is that on August 26, 2012, I got to read Ephesians 5 to the congregation. God spoke to me in August 2010 through that passage, urging me to serve my family by leading them to Him. I read it from the heart because it has had such a strong and lasting impact on my marriage.

I am still a sinner, always will be, but with the sacrament of reconciliation and God’s grace, I can now confidently, and without hypocrisy, lead my family in our spiritual life. I thank Him every day for another opportunity to do His will.

If you have avoided this sacrament, I encourage you to step out in faith and step into the confessional. You will not regret it.