Looking Within

15 Thursday Nov 2018

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Blessed Sacrament, Eucharistic Adoration, Faith, Fear, Love

Tags

Adoration, Blessed Sacrament, Eucharistic Adoration, Fortitude, Justice, Looking Inside, Looking Within, Love, Prudence, Self Revelation, Silent Retreat, Temperance, Virtue

A couple weeks ago my gracious wife gave me the latest music CD from Jerry Jeff Walker. His mellow baritone voice, guitar style, and heartfelt story-songs have appealed to me since the early seventies. Taking my comment that I’d never seen Jerry Jeff in concert as a cue, she checked and found he doesn’t have a tour. But, she did find that he recently produced his first album in ten years. As I listened to It’s About Time, I thought it could be his best album ever.

One particular lyric that caught my attention was from the song, The Rain Song. He wrote:

“The hardest thing a man can do / Is look inside and see the truth / About himself”

That line grabbed me not just because of how simple yet profound it is, but because I’d been thinking much the same thing. There were some things weighing on my heart and I needed to work them out. I just wasn’t sure how to do it.

Then, last Wednesday, our parish offered a day of Adoration with Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament. The 1:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. hour for that day was void of a regular adorer so I volunteered to take it. Later, as I was driving somewhere, The Rain Song came on my stereo and within moments I heard that verse. It hit me that I needed to spend my time with Jesus in reflection looking within myself. And, since I had nothing else planned for Wednesday, I decided to spend not just one hour but a half day before Jesus in a self-imposed silent retreat.

Those hours spent in prayer, meditation and reflection were some of the best I’ve ever spent. The experience was like having a second conversion. As I prayed for the Holy Spirit to enter my heart and reveal to me the “truth”, I invited Christ to help me work through my fears. I asked Him to lead me, to give me direction, and I promised to follow. I laid it all out and then I shut up and listened. He didn’t disappoint.

Over those four hours I learned a lot about myself. And, when time was up, I knew where I stood. I knew that, to get to where I wanted to be, it would require some hard work and a measure of suffering, both born of love, but the fruits would be worth it. I knew, too, that I wouldn’t have to go it alone, that Christ’s love would be there with me every step of the way.

Jesus said, “Seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you” (Mt 7:7). He convinced me last week that if I knock on His door seeking through prayer the knowledge of the Prudent thing to do, Justice in why it should be done, Temperance for knowing the right measure, and Fortitude to make it happen, He will open that door and provide the right answers. With His help it wasn’t all that hard after all.

I’m convinced, too, that the best place for this to happen is with Him in Adoration. Give it a try.

“Jesus, I love you and thank you for your most generous love. Thank you for sending your Spirit into my heart revealing to me that which I needed to hear. Thank you for the grace to come to you in prayer and for giving me the strength to do what is right and just. Amen.”

(Looking Within was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

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Before the Cross

31 Wednesday Jan 2018

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Blessed Sacrament, Eucharistic Adoration, Love

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Adoration, Blessed Sacrament, Cross, Crucifix, Desert, Eucharistic Adoration, Good News, Jesus, Kingdom of God, Love, silence, solitude

Jesus Crucified, Le Coup de Lance – Peter Paul Rubens

It’s amazing how time and space can be transformed when you’re in the desert. One hour of silence and solitude during Eucharistic Adoration in the real presence of Jesus can transport you into the mysteries of Christ’s life.

Yesterday, as I knelt before the Blessed Sacrament during my Holy hour, I found myself not alone, but alone with Christ. It was so quiet in the chapel that I could almost hear the flicker of the flame burning in the candle to the right of the tabernacle. Yet, I was listening to the voice of Jesus.

As I knelt on the rocky ground, I could feel the gravel digging into my knee caps. Before me, Jesus was hanging from the cross, struggling for every breath. I felt helpless and ashamed of my cowardice. To rise up and object would certainly mean my death from the Roman soldier standing nearby.

Blinking away the blood and sweat in His eyes, He looked at me. Our eyes met. I uttered, “My Lord, how can this be happening? How can you endure such torture? I cannot bear it!”

He had not enough breath to speak, but in His eyes I could hear Him say, “Because of my suffering you will have eternal peace and salvation.”

“How can I ever repay You?, I pleaded, choking on my words.

Again, I read in His eyes, “I thirst for your love. Show me your love by loving others as I have loved you. Go, let that love multiply as we did with the loaves and fishes. Spread the Good News of the Kingdom of God as I have taught you.”

The pain from the gravel beneath my knees grew worse and I blinked. I lost His gaze and He was gone.

I found myself back in the Adoration Chapel kneeling on the soft cushion of the prie-dieu with the monstrance before me. My hour was almost over. The pain in my knees was just the arthritis from growing older.

(Before the Cross was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

Do You Not Yet Have Faith?

28 Sunday Jan 2018

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Bible Reflections, Blessed Sacrament, Confession, Eucharistic Adoration, Faith, Fear, Prayer, Reconciliation

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Desert, Faith, I Trust In You, Jesus, Mark 1:21-28, Mark 4:40, Prayer, Reconciliation, Reflection, Spiritual Warfare

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– St. Augustine

God continues to work in my life! And, after reading today’s Gospel, Mark 1:21-28, about Jesus casting out the unclean spirit from the man in the synagogue; and yesterday’s Gospel, Mark 4:35-41, about the Apostles’ lack of faith while in their boat during the storm, I feel compelled to tell you how He recently touched me and helped my faith grow deeper.

My wife and I had a wonderful but busy Christmas season. We traveled to Europe to visit our daughter who was studying abroad, and we toured parts of Belgium, France and Germany.

We returned home on the 31st and caught up on a few necessary items before driving to Kansas City on Friday the 5th for our grandson Jack’s third birthday. Then, on Monday, I went on to my second in-residence week of training (also in Kansas City) to become a spiritual mentor.

To say that I had been looking forward to this week would be an understatement. I was dying to get there and experience another week of God’s peace and the joy that radiates from the Sisters of the Apostles of the Interior Life (AVI).

Don’t get me wrong, I truly loved spending quality time with my wife and daughter over the holiday, but with all the traveling and site-seeing I let my daily routine of meditative prayer slide. And, I dearly missed it. I was so looking forward to getting back on track, to the spiritual formation and the times of silence and solitude in the coming week.

When I checked in I immediately felt a sense of belonging. The Sisters of the AVI and alumni mentors were there to meet me and the other students with whom I had become friends during our first session last May. We soon went to mass, had dinner, and had our first classroom session.

By bedtime I was ready to pack my bags, get in my truck and go home.

In a matter of a few hours everything about me transformed from being on fire to being consumed with doubt in my ability to ever succeed as a mentor, and a total sense of unworthiness to be there amid so many holy people. I hurt.

I laid in bed begging Jesus for direction on what I needed to do to shake the fear. I was confused and worried. I knew I needed to trust in Him but I just couldn’t make myself let go.

I awoke the next morning in worse condition than when I fell asleep. I prayed but still didn’t know what to do. I began my daily meditation by reading the scripture for the day. The Gospel for that morning, January 9th, was Mark 1:21-28 (the same passage as today). When I read about Jesus casting out the demon from the man, I was reminded of the spiritual warfare I had last year that made me fearful of posting on my blog. It was deja vu all over again! I thought, “Okay, been there and done that”, so I changed my prayer from, “Jesus, help me figure this out!”, to, “Jesus, I trust in You!” I prayed for the grace to truly turn it over to Him.

But, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t happening.

The order of the day began with morning prayer followed by meditation, an opportunity for reconciliation, an hour of Eucharistic Adoration, and a half day of silent retreat dubbed “the Desert”. Fr. Allessandro led the meditation in his soft, kind, Italian accented voice. Between his accent, my hearing aids and the acoustics in the chapel, I barely understood a word he said. But, somewhere in the middle of his talk I heard, “In the desert, you can’t hide from your fear.”

I knew God was talking to me and I was meant to hear those words even if I understood nothing else. I knew something was going to happen while “in the Desert”, but I didn’t know what.

Feeling ashamed of my failure to put all my faith in Jesus, I felt compelled to go to reconciliation as soon as the meditation was over. I confessed to Fr. Steve that my prayer life had been naught over the prior three weeks and I desperately wanted to get it back. I explained my feeling of unworthiness to be there and confessed that I simply couldn’t find a way to turn it over and totally trust in Jesus. Kindly, he told me there isn’t a day goes by during which he doesn’t feel unworthy to be a priest but he knows God called him to be one. And, he told me he knows God called me to be there and to be in the program. Christ, working through Fr. Steve’s hands, forgave me for my unbelief.

I left the confessional and said my one Our Father for my penance. I knelt on the tile floor before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and I started to say, “Jesus, I trust in You.” But, before I uttered the first syllable, I felt an overwhelming rush of consuming love wash over me. If I hadn’t already been on both knees, I would have collapsed to them. In that instant of giving my heart and fear to Him, I felt and heard Him say, “Don’t be afraid, I’ve got this! You’re my beloved.” I broke into tears.

From that moment, the rest of the week was perfect! I couldn’t have asked for more.

Later that day, I recalled the one other time I felt touched by Jesus in this same way (see Put Your Faith Where Your Prayer Is ). It was when I was praying for my four day old grandson Jack’s life as he lay in the NICU at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City. I had finally realized there was nothing I could do to help him when, in that moment of giving it up I began to say, “Jesus, I trust in You”, He hit me with the same overwhelming feeling of love and I heard Him tell me, “Don’t be afraid, Jack’s going to be okay.”

Thinking about Jack now as a healthy and normal little boy, I realized it was exactly three years to the day since that first event. Coincidence? I don’t think so. No, I think it was Jesus reminding me and asking me, “Do you not yet have faith?” (Mark 4:40)

I know I’ve shared many stories over the last five years about how God has worked in my life. But, folks, He is with us and is just waiting for us to open our minds to the truth, our hearts to His love, and our eyes to see the tangible signs of his presence in everything around us. I’m nobody special. You can find Him in your life, too.

God bless you!

“Lord Jesus, thank You for Your infinite love, Your forgiveness, and Your patience. Thank You for leading me to the Father. Holy Spirit, thank You for opening my heart and mind to the Word of God, and for opening my eyes to see His presence in the ordinary things of my life. Amen.”

(Do You Not Yet Have Faith? was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)