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Reflections of a Lay Catholic

Reflections of a Lay Catholic

Tag Archives: Baptism

What Month Is It, Anyway?

26 Monday May 2025

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Evangelization

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Baptism, Confirmation, Devotion, Discipleship, Evangelization, Faith, Good News, Jesus, Mental Health Awareness, Mission, Proclaim the Gospel Message

The Catholic Church’s liturgical seasons fall more or less the same time every year.  Advent in December, and Christmas the last week of December through the middle of January.  Lent usually starts in late February and runs into April.  The 50 days of Easter takes us into late May or early June.  Then, we also have months with special devotions:  May to the Blessed Virgin Mary, October to the Rosary, and November to the Saints and the souls in purgatory.

In the U.S., every month is also set aside to promote awareness to various other worthy causes, e.g.,  Human Trafficking Awareness Month in January, and Suicide Prevention Month in September.  Some months celebrate less serious interests such as National Ice Cream Month in July, and Zombie Awareness month in May.

The month of May is also devoted to Mental Health Awareness.  Yesterday, as in each Sunday Mass this month, one of the petitions mentioned was for all those suffering from mental health issues.  Certainly, this is something we should all pray for.  Our collective prayers are a type of spiritual social outreach.  But it occurred to me there is a petition that I’ve never heard mentioned at my parish church or any other church I’ve ever been to in all my travels – a petition for the faithful to evangelize.

Evangelization is the central mission of the Church.  The proclamation of the Gospel – the saving message of who Jesus is and what He has done for us – is a responsibility we all have by virtue of our baptism and confirmation.  Unfortunately, there are so few who actually take that responsibility seriously.  If we believe our prayers will be heard for those with mental health issues, or for any special interest, then shouldn’t we believe that our prayers for the faithful to muster up the courage to evangelize will be efficacious, as well?  A simple petition such as, “For all the faithful, that they evangelize by proclaiming the Gospel, let us pray…” will at least remind everyone of their role.  Or, we can get bold, and amp it up a notch with, “For each and every baptized Catholic to honor their responsibility by evangelizing at least one person this month and bring them to Jesus, or deeper in their relationship with Him, let us pray…”

If we want to follow and obey our Lord, we have to spread the Good News.  Every month of the year should be Catholic Evangelization Month!  It is that important, not only for the salvation of the souls of those being evangelized, but our own, as well.

“Good and gracious Lord, thank You for loving me.  Please help me and each and every one of the baptized faithful bring others to know Your amazing love, also.  Help us to realize the grace of Fortitude that was bestowed upon us by the Holy Spirit at our Confirmations so that we may be effective evangelizers.  Amen.”

(What Month Is It, Anyway?was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

©2013-2025 Reflections of a Lay Catholic. Reposting and sharing of material in its full and original content is permitted, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author(s) and Reflections of a Lay Catholic.

Wisdom in Speaking

02 Saturday Dec 2023

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Evangelization

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Baptism, Confirmation, Evangelizing, Faith, Luke 21:14, Quinceanera, Wisdom in Speaking

In last Wednesday’s Gospel, Jesus told His disciples that they were not to prepare their defense before hand because He Himself would give them a wisdom in speaking.  (Lk 21:14).  I know Jesus was alluding to their legal defense when they would eventually be persecuted, but today I had an opportunity to pray for wisdom in speaking in an unexpected situation.

I had gone to my office at the parish center to wrap up some unfinished business.  Upon entering the building I noticed someone was using one of the conference room.  Not long after settling in at my desk I was interrupted by a woman, a friend of mine, knocking at my door.  She is Hispanic, was the one using the conference room, and she was leading six fourteen and fifteen year old girls, along with three moms, in preparation for their Quinceaneras, their cultural right-of-passage into womanhood at the age of fifteen.

My friend asked me if I would come talk to the girls about their faith obligations once they make this transition into young adulthood.  I’m sure I had a scared, deer-in-the-headlights look on my face because: one, I stink at extemporaneous speaking; and, two, all I knew about this celebration is what I just wrote in italics above.  I had no idea what new faith obligations they might have once they “officially” become young women, and no time to ask or research it.  What could I say?  She is my friend and she asked because I am the parish’s Director of Evangelization.  She was trusting in me to enlighten these young ladies.  

It is about twenty steps from my office to the conference room.  With the first ten or so steps I tried to think of what to say but, getting no inspiration, I paced the last ten steps simply praying for the Holy Spirit to lead me.

My friend had the girls introduce themselves and I congratulated them on their upcoming milestone and asked if they were looking forward to it.  They smiled and nodded.  I made an awkward momentary pause, still not knowing what to say, but continued with, “Growing up can be exciting but it also brings more responsibility as you know.  One of those responsibilities is to not only stay strong in your faith but to pass that faith along to others.  We call that evangelizing.”  Mostly blank looks followed.

“How many of you have tattoos?”  That produced a smile or two and, thankfully, none had received one.  “That’s good”, I added with my own smile, “but you actually have a tattoo, an invisible one.  It’s the mark you received at your baptism, the mark that identifies you as a beloved daughter of God, and one who has the Spirit of Christ in you!”  Quizzical looks.   

You’re fourteen or fifteen so I suspect you’ve all been Confirmed, right?”  All nods.  “You may not know it but you were given another gift at your Confirmation, the courage and strength to tell others about your love for Jesus.  Is that kind of a scary thought, talking about your faith?”  More nods.

“Well, it’s really not that hard.  The best way to do that is to just be friendly with other people, especially those whom you don’t know well.  And, because you have the love of Christ in you, you will radiate a joy that they find different than in other people.  They will begin to want some of what you have.  They will want to be your friend.  It’s much easier to share your feelings with friends, isn’t it?”  Nods.

“But you have to be open to making new friends, which means that you have to intentionally reach out to meet new people.  And that can be kind of scary.  But, remember, you have been given the strength and courage you need to do that.  What’s the best way to make good new friends?  Well, the best way is to put your phones down and greet people person to person and have conversations face to face.  This is how you really get to know someone and they get to know you.  And, it’s the best way to share life and share your faith and introduce a new friend to Jesus.  It’s the adult way to have a relationship with someone else.”  Funny looks.

“Jesus told all of us to go and tell others about Him.  It’s our responsibility.  And it’s a responsibility that we have to accept as adults.  I love that you’re all so excited about this next step in your life!  it can be really exciting, too, to share your faith with other people, especially when you see them learning to love Jesus, too. 

“I wish you all well, and that your Quinceanera celebrations are amazing!  And, I hope you all embrace your young adulthood and the challenges and responsibilities it will bring.  God bless you all.”  Smiles and nods.

It’s difficult to tell what’s going on in a stoic young person’s mind.  Everything I said may have gone in one ear and out the other.  My friend and the moms seemed to love my comments, though.  Someday I may have the opportunity to look back on this and see whether or not my advice stuck with them.  If a connection was made with just one of those young women, and she someday puts those ideas into play, then all of my situational uneasiness will have been worth it.  But, for now, I will simply trust in the Holy Spirit, the One Who gave me the wisdom to speak those words, to take it from here.

“Dear Lord, thank You for this opportunity that literally came knocking on my door today.  You may have been testing me, or You may have been simply showing me that You believe in me, that I actually can evangelize when I need to.  Either way, I thank You, and I thank You for giving me the words to speak.  Lord, I pray for those young ladies, that they may keep the faith and that they will lead others closer to You.  Amen.”

(Wisdom in Speaking was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

©2013-2023 Reflections of a Lay Catholic. Reposting and sharing of material in its full and original content is permitted, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author(s) and Reflections of a Lay Catholic.

Come Holy Spirit

25 Monday Jan 2021

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Baptism, Faith, Love

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Baptism, Beloved Son, Conversion, Conversion of St. Paul, Holy Spirit, Your Spirit

As I read today’s Scripture for the Feast of the Conversion of Saint Paul during my morning prayer I recalled having posted a reflection on this passage sometime in the past.  Looking back, I found I had written Conversions on this date in 2019.  Immersing myself in that memory, I relived my own conversion experience and, once again, recalled the immense love I felt when I let myself hear God calling my name.

I also recalled this morning I had a similar recollection two weeks ago on the Feast of the Baptism of the Lord about which I wanted to write but didn’t have the time.  This happens frequently – I get an inspiration but then don’t have the time to put it down in coherent form.  It can be a little frustrating but then I’m sure it’s all part of God’s plan.  But, over the last few days I’ve been confined to an upstairs bedroom/office with that little thing called Covid so I have some extra time to reflect and write. (Don’t be concerned, it seems to be a very mild case.)

That Sunday, two weeks ago, I was at the Savior Pastoral Center in Kansas City, Kansas attending Catholic Spiritual Mentorship Week.  As Deacon Tom Schumer read from the Gospel of Mark (Mk 1:7-11) at Mass, I was drawn back to that day eight years and ten months ago when I knew and felt in my heart for the first time that I was also a beloved son of God.  As it always is when I slip back to that life changing moment, I felt an intense warmth and an overwhelming sense of gratitude for having received His love and being called to this life.

As Fr. Steve Sotiroff delivered his homily on the Gospel and related it to the Holy Spirit filling our hearts at our own baptisms, I naturally recounted my baptism almost a year after my conversion experience.  It seemed as though my heart had, over the previous year, already become enflamed to the point of being on fire for the Lord, such that my actual baptism was more an experience of intense gratitude (and a sigh of relief) for my sins having been forgiven.  

It crossed my mind how truly blessed I was to have had my conversion experience at the age of fifty-five.  I was able to not only remember it but to wrap it around me like a warm and comfortable blanket!  Although I truly believe it is essential for Catholics to baptize their children as infants, I thought what a difference there would be if every Catholic could have a “re-conversion” experience like mine, how we could, collectively, light the world on fire.  But, then, it occurred to me that they can have one, and many do, when men and women like you and me invite them to simply crack open the door to let the Holy Spirit come sweeping in, rekindling the fire that has been allowed to die down since their baptism.

A familiar prayer that I’ve recited hundreds of times came to mind:

“Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of Your faithful.  Enkindle in us the fire of Your love.  Send forth Your Spirit and we shall be created and You shall renew the face of the earth.  Amen.”

The Communion hymn at Mass that Sunday was a favorite, but one that, unless you’ve been in the Mentoring program would not know.  It is an original composition entitled Your Spirit, written and composed by Sr. Ruth Kuefler, AVI.  It is a truly beautiful song, especially when she graces it with an excellent in-person performance on her violin, which she did that day.  Ever since I first heard it four years ago it has pierced me like a sword and brought me to tears, so powerful are the lyrics.  The chorus particularly hit home that day:

“Send us Your Spirit we’ll hear the Father say: ‘My son, you are beloved, daughter you are my delight, I will care for you, and you will live in my love.’”

After Mass I caught Sr. Ruth’s attention and told her for the umpteenth time how beautiful her song is, how it strikes me, and suggested that she ought to copyright it and publish it.  To my surprise, she told me she had finally done that just the day before and published it as a YouTube video.  I feel honored to be able to share Your Spirit with you here (if you like it, please give it a thumbs up and share with others).

“Lord Jesus, thank You for Your love.  Thank You for sending the Holy Spirit, the love between You and the Father, into my heart.  Thank You for showing me through the people You’ve placed in my life, and the beauty of this world, like this song, that I am Your beloved son.  I pray for the grace to help others come to know the same.  Amen.”

(Come Holy Spirit was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

©2013-2021 Reflections of a Lay Catholic. Reposting and sharing of material in its full and original content is permitted, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author(s) and Reflections of a Lay Catholic.

Thoughts on The Fate of Infants Who Die Without Being Baptized

22 Thursday Feb 2018

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Death, Faith, Hope

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Baptism, Catechism, CCC1257, CCC1261, Children, Faith, Jn 16:12, Jn 3:5, Limbo, Mercy, Mk 10:14, Unbaptized Children

Last September I was introducing myself to a group of men with whom I would be spending the next six months in formation for an upcoming retreat presentation. Like everyone else, I gave a brief bio of my life: family, childhood, career, etc.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I was recalling our team formation and how I introduced myself as the oldest of four children in my family. I suddenly realized what I told everyone was incorrect. I was the oldest of five.

My sister, Sandra Faye, was born on February 21, 1961. She died 57 years ago today, February 22, 1961. I never met her.

I don’t remember my parents ever talking about the experience of losing a child. I wasn’t quite four years old when the event happened so I wouldn’t have understood even if they had talked about it at the time. By the time I was old enough to understand, their hurt and heartbreak had been diminished by time and the blessing of another daughter and son for which to be thankful.

I admit that I often forget about Sandra. I seem to recall her birth only because my oldest sister also has her birthday in February. This year, as her birthday approached, I found myself wondering if our souls will one day meet in heaven.

The possibility for that eventuality, I thought, depends on two things: that I get to heaven, and, if I do make it, that she is already there. With God’s grace I’m trying to do everything I can to improve my chances of ensuring that meeting. But, our family was not a religious family and I paused to wonder, since she was not baptized, will she be there? I didn’t know the answer and knew I would need to do some research to see what scripture and Church doctrine tells me.

Our faith tells us that Baptism is necessary for salvation1. The Church does not know of any means other than Baptism that assures entry into eternal beatitude.2 In Jesus’ words, “No one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and spirit.”3

With respect to Baptism, I remembered reading something written by author C.S. Lewis, “We do know that no man can be saved except through Christ; we do not know that only those who know Him can be saved through Him.”4 Lewis alludes to the fact that the Bible doesn’t reveal everything to us.5  Thus, this gave me a bit of hope that, when Jesus said what he said, he wasn’t including infants who were born but not baptized by their parents; nor given the opportunity to use their own free will or reason to be baptized; or those who were conceived but died before birth by either natural miscarriage or from malicious abortion.

Since the Bible isn’t explicit on this and many other subjects, there has been, since the Middle Ages, a theory elaborated by theologians that the souls of unbaptized infants are in a state of limbo. Although the Church has never adopted this possibility as doctrine and doesn’t teach it, it remains therefore a possible theological hypothesis.6

However, the Magisterium of the Catholic Church does accept and teach that the fate of unbaptized infants is an unanswered question and states, “As regards to children who have died without Baptism, the Church can only entrust them to the mercy of God. Indeed, the great mercy of God who desires that all men should be saved, and Jesus’ tenderness toward children which caused Him to say: ‘Let the children come to me, do not hinder them,’7 allow us to hope that there is a way of salvation for children who have died without Baptism. All the more urgent is the Church’s call not to prevent little children coming to Christ through the gift of the holy Baptism [emphasis added].8

Finally, to back up what I found in the Catechism (CCC), I discovered a 2007 document published by the International Theological Commission in which the Church, driven by the urgency to address the number of unbaptized infants in our contemporary culture of relativism and religious pluralism9, sought to clarify the possibility of salvation of unbaptized infants. The Commission concluded by reinforcing Church doctrine that there is “serious theological and liturgical grounds for hope that unbaptized infants who die will be saved and enjoy the Beatific Vision”, and emphasized “that these are reasons for prayerful hope, rather than grounds for sure knowledge.”10

Understanding this Church teaching brought me comfort. But, I wondered, since my family were non-practicing Protestants and not Catholic, if there would be a different Protestant point of view. In doing some research into Protestant views on the subject, I found a variety of stances, depending on the Protestant denomination, but little substance that led me to believe the Protestant views are significantly different than our own.

In the end, my research, while not allowing one hundred percent certainty that Sandra is in heaven, gave me hope that she is there. It made me think, too, that, regardless if a person has been baptized, we can’t know the state of another person’s soul – only God knows that – and the only soul we can have some insight into is our own. We must place our faith and hope in God for the salvation of ourselves and others.

That’s good enough for me.

“Heavenly Father, help me to always remember that my ways are not necessarily Your ways. I give You thanks for the gifts of faith, hope and love which You have bestowed upon me through the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

_______________________

1CCC1257, 2Ibid, 3Jn 3:5, 4C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, 1942, 5cf. Jn 16:12,
6The Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die Without Being Baptized, 7Mk 10:14
8CCC 1261, 9The Hope of Salvation for Infants Who Die Without Being Baptized,
10Ibid

(Thoughts on The Fate of Infants Who Die Without Being Baptized was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

©2013-2018 Reflections of a Lay Catholic. Reposting and sharing of material in its full and original content is permitted, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author(s) and Reflections of a Lay Catholic.

Ephphetha – Be Open!

07 Monday Sep 2015

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Bible Reflections, Evangelization, Faith, Fear, Scripture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Baptism, Ephphatha, Evangelization, Faith, Fear, Isaiah 35:4-6, Mark 7:32-36

Ephphatha“32And people brought to him a deaf man who had a speech impediment and begged him to lay his hand on him.  33He took him off by himself away from the crowd. He put his finger into the man’s ears and, spitting, touched his tongue; 34then he looked up to heaven and groaned, and said to him, “Ephphetha!” – that is, “Be opened!”.  35And immediately the man’s ears were opened, his speech impediment was removed, and he spoke plainly.  36He ordered them not to tell anyone. But the more he ordered them not to, the more they proclaimed it.” – Mark 7:32-36 (NAB)

When I heard this Gospel reading yesterday morning at St. Mary’s Catholic Church in Muncie, Indiana I couldn’t help but think back to April 2013. I will never forget the day when I first heard this scripture passage – the morning of Easter Saturday. Later that night, after my baptism, first communion and confirmation, I became Catholic.

I wrote about the experience a few days later in my first ever blog post, My First Easter Vigil Mass. Thinking back to that post, my focus was on verses 35 and 36 – why did Jesus not want those whom he healed to tell anyone? But, this Sunday, my mind settled on the last two words of verse 34, “Be opened!”

Just minutes before my attention was captured by those two words, I heard the first reading from Isaiah in the Old Testament:

“4Say to those whose hearts are frightened: Be strong, fear not! Here is your God, he comes with vindication; with divine recompense he comes to save you.  5Then will the eyes of the blind be opened, the ears of the deaf be cleared; 6then will the lame leap like a stag, then the tongue of the mute will sing.” – Isaiah 35:4-6 (NAB)

So, when the Deacon read, “Be opened!”, I had a slight epiphany. I knew that Jesus meant more than to cease being deaf and dumb when he cured the man. He meant exactly what the celebrant says at a child’s baptism, “The Lord Jesus made the deaf hear and the dumb speak. May he soon touch your ears to receive his word, and your mouth to proclaim his faith, to the praise and glory of God the Father.”

Ever since that April two years ago, I have tried earnestly to be open to God’s Word and to proclaim my faith. I have made that effort not because I remembered and tried to live up to that which the celebrant prayed over me at my baptism, but because I wanted to, and because it was what I know is right.

Now, looking back, I began to wonder if I have given it my all. Have I been as open to His Word as I could be? Have I studied and tried to understand as much as I ought? Have I shied away from professing my faith to others because of the fear of not knowing enough to defend myself? Have I helped others to better understand and strengthen their faith or have I been laissez-faire in evangelizing?

The answer, of course, is, regardless of how well I’ve done, I can still do better.

When was the last time you asked yourself those questions?

“Lord God, thank You for all I’ve learned in the last two years. But, I need Your help to continue to do better. Please, help me to always be open to and understand Your Word. And, give me courage to proclaim my faith and help others live theirs. Amen.”

(Ephphatha – Be Open! was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

©2015 Reflections of a Lay Catholic. Reposting and sharing of material in its full and original content is permitted, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author(s) and Reflections of a Lay Catholic.

Laetare (Joyful) Sunday

16 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Bible Reflections, Communion, Grace, Lent, Love, Scripture

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Baptism, Communion, Faith, God-moments, Gospel of John, Grace, John 3:16, Lent, Love

Laetare SundayYesterday morning found me at my daughter’s house in Kansas City. We were having a celebration brunch for my grandson, Jack, who would be baptized after the 12:30 p.m. Mass. As I was looking around the room at my family gathered there – my daughter holding Jack, her husband, my wife, and my youngest daughter – I couldn’t help but feel immense joy and overwhelming love for them all. If only my two older daughters, their husbands and my granddaughter were there, my joy would be complete. I thought, “How could I possibly love anything more than I love them?”

At Mass, the priest read today’s Gospel, which included John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him might not perish but might have eternal life.”

During his homily, the priest talked about an evil which Satan particularly likes to use against us, the Sin of Familiarity. This condition in which we often find ourselves leads to complacency and taking our Graces for granted. We forget from Whom they come. Everything we have has been provided, in one way or another, by God: our food, water, clothing, shelter, everything. We are so used to them, we take them for granted. I thought, “That’s me, I give thanks for many things but I usually forget those basics.”

Of course, he was leading up to his main message. We see “John 3:16” on signs at sporting events, on street corners, and in social media so frequently that we forget what it is telling us – that GOD LOVES US SO MUCH THAT HE SACRIFICED HIS ONLY SON SO WE MAY HAVE ETERNAL LIFE! It has become so familiar that we forget its importance. Like the shirt on our back and the shoes on our feet, we take it for granted. Yep, that’s me.

Thinking more about God’s love for me I remembered a quote from St. Augustine, “God loves each one of us as if there were only one of us to love.” I remember this quote because I often pray telling God that I wish I could love Him as much as He loves me.

You can see where my analytical mind is going with this, can’t you? Things make sense to me when I can go from point A to B to C in logical progression. If God loves me with an infinite love which I can’t hope to equal, and I love my family with more love than I can describe, and it is only because of God’s Grace to me that I have a family to love, then my question of, “How could I possibly love anything more than I love them (my family)?”, is answered: that which I love more than anything else is God.

Or, more simply put, if the only way possible for me to not only love but have something to love is because of His love through His grace, then I must love the source of this love, God, most of all.

As the communion hymn began, I understood clearly that Jesus’ words written similarly in Matthew, Mark and Luke, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind”, wasn’t just a commandment to “do as I say”. It is a Commandment based on a logical truth, one which is so familiar to us that we take its meaning for granted.

And, I thought, if God can love me like I’m the only one He has to love and still have an infinite amount of love for everyone else, then my love for Him doesn’t take away from the amount of love I have for my family and others who I love so deeply.  It simply makes it stronger.

As I returned to my pew after receiving Holy Communion I sang these words from the hymn We Have Been Told, “….as the Father has loved me, so I have loved you.” It’s a familiar hymn….so familiar, in fact, I had lost its meaning.

During the priest’s closing remarks before the final blessing, he announced that today, the fourth Sunday of Lent, is called “Laetare Sunday” which, translated from Latin to English, means “Joy Sunday”. As I stood there with my family, waiting for the congregation to leave after the recessional hymn so that the priest could begin Jack’s Sacrament of Baptism, I prayed silently, “Thank you, Lord, it certainly has been ‘Joy Sunday’ for me. You have opened my mind and my heart today to understanding Your Word. I’m not going to let the meaning of this God-moment get lost to familiarity!”

 

(Laetare (Joyful) Sunday was first published on the blog Reflections of a Lay Catholic).

©2015 Reflections of a Lay Catholic. Reposting and sharing of material in its full and original content is permitted, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author(s) and Reflections of a Lay Catholic

My First Easter Vigil Mass

11 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Renewal

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Baptism, Easter Vigil, Renewal, Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults

I attended my very first Easter Vigil Mass this year.  It was a beautiful ceremony, one I will never forget.  My youngest daughter was a lector and as she read a passage from St. Paul’s letter to the Romans more than a couple tears of pride leaked from my eyes.  The rest of my family and dozens of close friends were there with me.  From my vantage point, witnessing the mystery unfold from the front row was especially meaningful – the night marked the culmination of six months of study as a catechumen for RCIA, and almost a year’s worth of intense faith formation in other ministries.  And, even though the guest of honor was the risen Christ, it was a special night for me.  In two hours I would be Catholic.

Ever since my heart was filled with the Holy Spirit at a Christ Renews His Parish retreat weekend a year ago, I had been waiting for this day.  The many friends who supported me during this journey had painted pictures in my mind of how I would feel upon my initiation into the Church.  They depicted various versions of relief and freedom from sins forgiven, of togetherness with the community, and of elation for having ultimately received Christ through the Holy Eucharist.

Thus, for most of the past year I had eagerly anticipated all these notions.  I say “most” because about a month ago I started to get worried.  Not worried in the sense that I was making the wrong decision, rather, worried that I wouldn’t feel the way everyone said I would feel.  I asked myself, “What will it mean if I am not overcome with emotion when I am baptized and my sins are forgiven?  What will it mean if I don’t feel as though I am momentarily in Heaven with Jesus as I receive His body and blood for the first time?”  I didn’t know the answers and a sense of panic started to creep in.

Sometimes when I pray, I truly feel as if I’m in the Lord’s presence.  But other times I don’t feel that way.  “What if this turns out to be one of those other times?”  I was beginning to question the strength of my faith.  I confided with my good friend, sponsor and Godfather about my feelings and he calmly advised that not everyone is reduced to falling on their knees and bawling when baptized.  Nor are they always in some out-of-body state of euphoria when receiving first communion.  He said he had faith that I will feel like a new person regardless of how I choose to describe it.  He’s a spiritual man and I love him dearly.  But, I still worried, “What if I don’t?”

Holy Saturday arrived and I had not yet found the confidence I needed to override my fears.  I arrived at church Saturday morning for the Morning of Reflection and rehearsal for the evening’s ceremony.  There were three pieces of unfinished RCIA business needing attention, the last of which was the Ephphetha Rite.  Father conducted the rite and explained that it is also known as the rite of opening the ears and mouth, that it is to impress upon the elect their need for grace in order that they may hear and profess the word of God.  The rite included reading Mark 7:31-37 – The Healing of a Deaf Man:

“(33) …. He put his finger into the man’s ears and, spitting, touched his tongue; (34) then He looked up to heaven and groaned, and said to him, “Ephphetha!” (that is “Be opened!”); (35) And immediately the man’s ears were opened, his speech impediment was removed, and he spoke plainly.  (36) He ordered them not to tell anyone.  But the more He ordered them not to, the more they proclaimed it”

Of course, curiosity was killing me.  Why would Jesus cure a man’s deafness and dumbness only to order him to not tell anybody?  So, I asked Father and he explained that Jesus didn’t want people flocking to him looking for one-sided deals and quick cures.  Instead, He wanted some shared responsibility, some skin in the game, in the form of having faith in Him.  Jesus understood that people who learned of His healing miracles through hear-say would not have the same understanding and appreciation as would the healed person.  In other words, through the depth of one’s faith, people will perceive, realize and accept the grace of God in different ways.

Voila, there was my answer!  In that moment I realized I had let the good intentions of others define how I should feel when, in His presence, I offer myself up to Him, He wipes my slate clean of sin, and He offers Himself to me.  And, I realized I had forgotten what Paul said in Romans 4:16, “….it depends on faith, so that it may be a gift…”.   I had let other people’s feelings become paramount to my own faith, replacing the real reason I was looking forward to this night as much as I’d ever looked forward to anything:  to experience Jesus up close and personal, and to tell Him that I love Him with all my heart and I know He loves me with more love than I can ever hope to muster.  With twelve hours to spare, I was finally worry free and ready to go.

So, how did I feel and react Saturday night upon being baptized, confirmed and receiving my first communion all at once?  Well, so as to not influence others with my feelings, suffice it to say that it was good, very good, slightly different, but better, than I thought it would be, and in a very satisfying way.  And, even now, several days later, I am still trying to fathom the overwhelming feelings of happiness, gratitude, freedom, peace, love and community I have had since I became “new”.  I should have trusted my Godfather to know what he was talking about. Even more, I should have trusted in the Lord that He would make everything perfect in a way that is perfect just for me.

(The post My First Easter Vigil Mass first appeared in Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

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