The Parable of the Lost Son – Part One

25 Saturday May 2013

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Bible Reflections, Prayer, Scripture

Tags

Parable of the Prodigal Son, Self-forgiveness, Self-mercy

Well, it’s been awhile since my last post, one month ago today actually. Business has picked up as well as being busy trying to stay caught up with Mother Nature. Spring is my least favorite season mainly because it’s like a sneaky old cat that’s lurking out there waiting to pounce on you. You know it’s going to happen but you’re not quite sure when, and when she does, you’re never quite ready for it. I have a large yard with many trees and flower beds and trying to squeeze in a little gardening when I get home from work between the rains in the evening is a real crap shoot sometimes. I’m struggling to keep up!

I’ve found that while my mind and actions are bent towards taking advantage of every break in the weather to take care of things around the house and at work, I’ve let my spiritual life get the short end of the stick. I haven’t prayed quite as much as I ought to, I’ve been less optimistic than usual, I’m not quite as “at peace” with everything, and I seem to notice the negative things that happen instead of the good God moments which I know are there but I’m too wrapped up in other stuff to notice them for what they are. I’ve also noticed when I get this way I have a tendency to do things sometimes which aren’t quite up to my moral or ethical standards, things that leave me shaking my head after I’ve done them because they are out of character for me, and things that I’ve been trying not to do but they just happen and I don’t yet know how to keep myself from doing them. It drives me crazy. I like to think of myself as a good boy who does the right things. Does this ever happen to you? I was ruing about this to a friend the other day and he said, “Don’t beat yourself up about it, you’re not perfect, you’re a Christian.”

I didn’t pay much attention to these kinds of frustrations before I became Catholic. They happened and I didn’t think much of them. It was part of life. But, I now recognize them as being counter to the way God would prefer me to lead my life. And, I feel a little guilty about it. Not long ago a good friend of mine in Louisiana, who also converted to Catholicism, asked whether or not I had started feeling guilty yet. I had to ask what she meant. With tongue-in-cheek humor she explained that since I now have a more intimate understanding of right and wrong principles and behavior, and since I am more in-tune with myself as a sinner and not quite as perfect as I thought I was, I should begin feeling guilty about my behavior – not because it has become worse than it was but because my reality around that behavior has changed. I’ve thought a lot about what she said and I think she’s almost right. I think the word “guilty” needs to be changed to something like “enlightened awareness”. “Guilty” has a negative connotation to it whereas “enlightened awareness” is a touch rosier and optimistic. Like most people, I respond more favorably to positive stimuli than I do to the negative brand. And if, as Christians, we constantly want to move closer to Christ by trying to become better people, then we can use all the positive affirmation we can get. But, regardless if it’s guilt or enlightened awareness, I nevertheless kick myself when I fail to live up to my expectations.

I was pondering this the other evening while I was watching my grass grow after an afternoon rain and I became acutely aware of my recent sins and out of character transgressions in their various states of ugliness. I realized that the more I get into my faith the more of them I see. Not big things, thank goodness, but lots of little things. I’m sure they have always been there, and, if the truth be told, probably a lot worse than they are now. Sometimes they pop up one at a time but occasionally they seem to come in droves. I am starting to get used to it but for a while there I was in panic mode. I can see how, if not looked at in the right light, I could easily feel guilty about them.

One thing that has helped me get through these bouts of self-inflicted mental beatings has been an understanding of Jesus’ Parable of the Lost Son (Luke 15:11-32). I had read this scripture passage a couple times but I never really read it until January during Advent. On January 10, 2013 the author of the Little Blue Book referenced this passage when he wrote about how Jesus came for everyone, all sinners, the rebellious and the spendthrifts, and even the “losers, nerds, and ….people with bad attitudes”. As I recall those words I find I fall frequently into at least the last category. The author finished by saying, “But, Jesus came for me. My job is to believe it.” Well, as someone whose faith is still in its infancy, and who is still getting used to praying for the Lord’s mercy and forgiveness for his sins, that caught my attention.

At the same time I was trying to comprehend all this back in January, I was also listening to a song on a new CD I had purchased. The song is The Golden Boy and the Prodigal by Jason Gray (if you haven’t figured it out yet, I really like this guy’s music!) The premise of the song is that there is a little of the Golden Boy who can do no wrong, as well as a little Prodigal Son who can do no right, in each of us, and our human nature tends to cause us to be proud of the former and ashamed of the latter. The last verse of his song goes:

So take a good look in the mirror, can you tell me who you see?

The one who Jesus died for or the one you’d rather be?

Can you find it in your heart to show mercy to the one,

The Father loved so much that he gave His only Son?

When I looked at the reflection from the Little Blue Book together with these powerful lyrics, I understood that no matter how down on myself I get, God is still there for me. I understood it’s simply not good enough to pray for the Lord’s mercy and forgiveness; I need to also have faith that He will answer my prayers. And, then, when I do believe, when I’ve shown true remorse and at the same time shown true gratitude for His divine mercy, I need to heed Jason Gray’s advice for complete healing and forgive and show mercy to myself, as well. For me, that might be easier said than done. If you have any hints on how to do this effectively, please let me know.

Good night and God bless.

The Anti-Beatitudes

25 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Bible Reflections

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Beatitude, Matthew 5:3

Last Monday my wife and I took our high school daughter to St. Louis, Missouri, for a campus tour of St. Louis University, a Jesuit university. The day began with all prospective students and parents meeting for an introduction in the student center. Before the presentation began I noticed several paintings on the walls depicting various people in abstract form. I was curious about them so, at a break, I looked at them more closely. There were eight paintings in all and I found them all to be very interesting. As I reached the end of the row there was a framed explanation of their subject matter and a blurb about the artist (unfortunately I do not remember the artist’s name)(* – See 4/28/13 note in comment below). Each painting was of someone representing an “Anti-Beatitude”, or in other words, the opposite of one of the Beatitudes.

I was intrigued by this because I have used a similar type of thought process to demonstrate the ridiculousness of various ideas to my children and to employees. When teaching my children about principles and virtues I would often explain the goodness of a principle by examining the opposite of that principle. For example, I would show them how honesty is a good principle because the opposite of honesty – lying, deceit, and thievery – is a bad thing. Even crooks who may regularly practice these anti-principles know they are bad things because of their reactions when they are on the wrong end of them. Likewise, I would use this method of looking at the opposite of that which is accepted ethical business practice to show employees the absurdity of unethical behavior. But, I had never before seen this idea put into visual form.

I wondered, “What would ‘Anti-Beatitudes’ look like in written form?” I thought this might be a good tool for teaching children about the real Beatitudes. So, with a thesaurus in hand and using a little imagination, it wasn’t too hard to come up with something to show how ludicrous these appear compared to our Christian morals. For comparison’s sake, I have listed below the actual Beatitudes first to help illustrate the preposterousness of their conjured-up opposites that follow:

The Beatitudes (Matthew 5 : 3-11)

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.
Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when men insult you, and persecute you, and, speaking falsely, say all manner of evil against you for my sake.

The Anti-Beatitudes

Blessed are the proud and self-sufficient who believe they are the center of the earth, for theirs are the kingdoms of the world.
Blessed are the content and those who fail to see the suffering of others, for they shall know not of their ignorance.
Blessed are the arrogant, and the harsh in attitude, for they shall control the happiness of the less fortunate.
Blessed are they who gather expensive things undeservedly and flaunt them in the face of others, for they shall be filled with feelings of superiority.
Blessed are the bullies, the unforgiving, and those who force grievance, for they shall cause destruction and keep score.
Blessed are the perverted, the adulterers, and the lustful, for they shall be esteemed by Satan for growing his kingdom.
Blessed are the warmongers, the agitators and the vengeful, for they shall be the children of Satan.
Blessed are they who do evil but fail to get caught, for they shall be considered heroes.
Blessed are the liars, the gossipers, and those who make fun of others to cause them harm and embarrassment, for they shall have confidence and be placed ahead of others.

I was certainly not prepared for my fright when I noticed upon completion of this list how I, and just about everyone else I know, at one point or another in our lives, fit perfectly into most of these descriptions. Some of the trickery I’ve used on others to make a point backfired on me and hit me squarely in the side of the head. To put it bluntly, it was a shameful and embarrassing, but honest, realization. I think I will keep this list handy and, from this point forward, pull it out and dust it off from time to time and use it like a litmus paper to check my self-acidity, and as a tool to prepare for reconciliation. I’m feeling fortunate that my sins were forgiven through my recent baptism or else I would probably be packing supper and a midnight snack for both Father and me when I make my first real trip to the confessional!

(The post The Anti-Beatitudes first appeared on Reflections of a Lay Catholic)

The Breath of God

20 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Bible Reflections, Prayer

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Breath of God, Gospel of John, HolySpirit, Ruah

A while back a friend and I were lamenting about how hard it is when you pray to concentrate on clearing your mind of all the thoughts that are itching to be silently said and, instead, listening to the voice of God. And then, even when you’ve figured out how to turn off your internal voice, it’s difficult to maintain that concentration with the often disturbing ambient noise around you. My friend said he sometimes puts his hands over his ears to muffle the sounds and it helps him concentrate on the sound of his breathing.

“Whoa, wait a minute”, I thought, “The sound of his breathing?” There were bells going off here! At some point in the past year during my crash course in Catholicism and the formation of my faith, I had heard or read something that had to do with the voice of God or the name of God, and some connection with breathing or the wind blowing….or something along those lines. I racked my brain to remember what it was. I searched on-line to no avail and had about convinced myself I had dreamed it all when, with a smidgen of help from our good Deacon, I had a breakthrough. What I had been trying to think of was the Hebrew word “Ruah” which is translated into English as “The Breath (or Whisper) of God”. But, in Hebrew “The Breath of God” is synonymous with “The Holy Spirit”. In other words, the Jews considered the Holy Spirit to be the Breath of God.

Then, at Easter, I was thumbing through the Gospel of John and I stumbled upon John 20:22, “And when He had said this, He breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit”.

I am an engineer and, as such, I tend to be a linear thinker. It wasn’t hard for me to connect the dots in this thought process. Considering the fact that, as Catholics, we believe the Holy Trinity lives within us, the connection I was trying to make, and which I quite triumphantly suggested to my friend, was that while he is listening and concentrating on his own breathing as a focusing technique so as to better hear what the Holy Spirit is saying to him, maybe, just maybe, they are one and the same thing in that ultimate moment when true reverence is reached, and, perhaps, through that calmness, a translation occurs.

Think about it. I, for one, am going to give it a try.

Fear is Easy, Love is Hard (1) / Nothing is Wasted (2)

16 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Prayer

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Tags

Boston Marathon, Fear, Jason Gray, Love

“Turn on the T.V. for the evening news / They got plenty of fear and nothing to do / Another somebody’s gone too far / Makes you want to put up your guard / Fear is easy, love is hard”.

These song lyrics by Christian singer/songwriter Jason Gray came over my car stereo this evening as I was in the middle of a two-hour drive on a business trip. The sadness in them could not have been more appropriate or timely. Like most every other American on this fifteenth day of April, 2013 my mind was on the senseless terroristic acts of violence that unfolded today in Boston, Massachusetts during the Boston Marathon. I intentionally chose not to listen to any more news reports – I had heard enough and nothing they said could change what had happened. My thoughts vacillated between anger at whoever was responsible for the death and destruction, and heartfelt sympathy for all the human beings who were tragically affected. It was painful to think in the present.

It was no less painful when flashback images and emotions from September 11^th, 2001 coursed through my heart and mind’s eye. But, one of the advantages of my age is in understanding that history tends to repeat itself and, thus, if you pay attention and learn as you go, you are better prepared for when evil will again, inevitably, raise its ugly head. I no longer believe in coincidence, so when the next song on the CD, Nothing is Wasted, came up I smiled for the first time in a couple hours:

“The hurt that broke your heart / And left you trembling in the dark / Feeling lost and alone / Will tell you hope’s a lie / But what if every tear you cry / Will seed the ground where joy will grow / And Nothing is Wasted / It’s from the deepest wounds / That beauty finds a place to bloom / And you will see before the end / That every broken piece is / Gathered in the heart of Jesus / And what’s lost will be found again / And Nothing is Wasted….”

There’s no doubt we Americans have been down this road before. To forget or not use what we learned almost twelve years ago would indeed be a waste. So, my thoughts turned to the future and I wondered, “What are we going to do about this?” I’ve learned there are many things about which I can do absolutely nothing. How to tackle the issue of terrorism is one of those things. Our government is supposed to do that for us. A terrorist’s most lethal weapon is their hatred for what is good and just, and the primary goal of terrorism is to spread fear and that same hatred. Their bombs are simply a means to that end. Let the government figure out how to stop them from using their physical weapons.

But, as citizens, and Christians, we have learned we can do something. We have to take the hard road, the difficult task of ensuring our spirit is not broken. We have to stand up to the cowardice of terrorism with the courage to continue what is right and just in accordance with our faith. We can be there for each other. We can love each other. We can support and encourage each other. We can pray for those who have suffered and who are suffering. (Psalm 147:3 “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds”) We can pray for those who are fearful and help them overcome their fear by finding love in the only one Who has enough love for all of us (Isaiah 41:13 “For I am the Lord your God who grasps your right hand; It is I who say to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you’”). And, by doing so, we can send a clear message that, even though we may have been set back a step or two, we won’t be knocked out by the one-two punch of fear and hatred. We’re not going to take the low, easy road, we’re going to take the hard, high road. We did it almost twelve years ago and we can do it again. And, finally, we can do what is feared most by our enemy, “Pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:28).

“When fear is easy and love is hard / It’s hard to bring your heart to a world that can break it / To offer love to those you’re afraid will forsake it / But a well defended heart is always looking for a fight / In a lonely war against an endless night / But love can bring a light / …It comes down to a simple choice / Shouting devils or a still small voice / One is spreading fear and dread / Oh, but love has always said / Do not be afraid / Fear is easy and love is hard.”

Thank you, Jason Gray, for your beautiful insight! I hope you don’t mind me borrowing some of it.

Peace be with you all, and with your spirit.

My First Easter Vigil Mass

11 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by Jerry Robinson in Renewal

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Tags

Baptism, Easter Vigil, Renewal, Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults

I attended my very first Easter Vigil Mass this year. It was a beautiful ceremony, one I will never forget. My youngest daughter was a lector and as she read a passage from St. Paul’s letter to the Romans more than a couple tears of pride leaked from my eyes. The rest of my family and dozens of close friends were there with me. From my vantage point, witnessing the mystery unfold from the front row was especially meaningful – the night marked the culmination of six months of study as a catechumen for RCIA, and almost a year’s worth of intense faith formation in other ministries. And, even though the guest of honor was the risen Christ, it was a special night for me. In two hours I would be Catholic.

Ever since my heart was filled with the Holy Spirit at a Christ Renews His Parish retreat weekend a year ago, I had been waiting for this day. The many friends who supported me during this journey had painted pictures in my mind of how I would feel upon my initiation into the Church. They depicted various versions of relief and freedom from sins forgiven, of togetherness with the community, and of elation for having ultimately received Christ through the Holy Eucharist.

Thus, for most of the past year I had eagerly anticipated all these notions. I say “most” because about a month ago I started to get worried. Not worried in the sense that I was making the wrong decision, rather, worried that I wouldn’t feel the way everyone said I would feel. I asked myself, “What will it mean if I am not overcome with emotion when I am baptized and my sins are forgiven? What will it mean if I don’t feel as though I am momentarily in Heaven with Jesus as I receive His body and blood for the first time?” I didn’t know the answers and a sense of panic started to creep in.

Sometimes when I pray, I truly feel as if I’m in the Lord’s presence. But other times I don’t feel that way. “What if this turns out to be one of those other times?” I was beginning to question the strength of my faith. I confided with my good friend, sponsor and Godfather about my feelings and he calmly advised that not everyone is reduced to falling on their knees and bawling when baptized. Nor are they always in some out-of-body state of euphoria when receiving first communion. He said he had faith that I will feel like a new person regardless of how I choose to describe it. He’s a spiritual man and I love him dearly. But, I still worried, “What if I don’t?”

Holy Saturday arrived and I had not yet found the confidence I needed to override my fears. I arrived at church Saturday morning for the Morning of Reflection and rehearsal for the evening’s ceremony. There were three pieces of unfinished RCIA business needing attention, the last of which was the Ephphetha Rite. Father conducted the rite and explained that it is also known as the rite of opening the ears and mouth, that it is to impress upon the elect their need for grace in order that they may hear and profess the word of God. The rite included reading Mark 7:31-37 – The Healing of a Deaf Man:

“(33) …. He put his finger into the man’s ears and, spitting, touched his tongue; (34) then He looked up to heaven and groaned, and said to him, “Ephphetha!” (that is “Be opened!”); (35) And immediately the man’s ears were opened, his speech impediment was removed, and he spoke plainly. (36) He ordered them not to tell anyone. But the more He ordered them not to, the more they proclaimed it”

Of course, curiosity was killing me. Why would Jesus cure a man’s deafness and dumbness only to order him to not tell anybody? So, I asked Father and he explained that Jesus didn’t want people flocking to him looking for one-sided deals and quick cures. Instead, He wanted some shared responsibility, some skin in the game, in the form of having faith in Him. Jesus understood that people who learned of His healing miracles through hear-say would not have the same understanding and appreciation as would the healed person. In other words, through the depth of one’s faith, people will perceive, realize and accept the grace of God in different ways.

Voila, there was my answer! In that moment I realized I had let the good intentions of others define how I should feel when, in His presence, I offer myself up to Him, He wipes my slate clean of sin, and He offers Himself to me. And, I realized I had forgotten what Paul said in Romans 4:16, “….it depends on faith, so that it may be a gift…”. I had let other people’s feelings become paramount to my own faith, replacing the real reason I was looking forward to this night as much as I’d ever looked forward to anything: to experience Jesus up close and personal, and to tell Him that I love Him with all my heart and I know He loves me with more love than I can ever hope to muster. With twelve hours to spare, I was finally worry free and ready to go.

So, how did I feel and react Saturday night upon being baptized, confirmed and receiving my first communion all at once? Well, so as to not influence others with my feelings, suffice it to say that it was good, very good, slightly different, but better, than I thought it would be, and in a very satisfying way. And, even now, several days later, I am still trying to fathom the overwhelming feelings of happiness, gratitude, freedom, peace, love and community I have had since I became “new”. I should have trusted my Godfather to know what he was talking about. Even more, I should have trusted in the Lord that He would make everything perfect in a way that is perfect just for me.

(The post My First Easter Vigil Mass first appeared in Reflections of a Lay Catholic)