Author Archives: CWhittenburg

Conquering Temptations

29 Tuesday Apr 2014

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“Blessed is he who perseveres in temptation, for when he has been proven he will receive the crown of life that he promised to those who love him.  No one experiencing temptation should say, “I am being tempted by God”; for God is not subject to temptation to evil, and he himself tempts no one.  Rather, each person is tempted when lured and enticed by his desire.  Then desire conceives and brings forth sin, and when sin reaches maturity it gives birth to death.”

James 1:12-15

At a recent men’s group, I was asked to pick the bible verse to discuss. Coincidently, at one of the daily masses that week, this passage from James was read. I imagine we all struggle with some kind of temptation in our lives. A few years ago, through prayer (both my wife’s and mine) and God’s grace, I broke free from one that was damaging our marriage.  Because of this and our commitment to live an Ephesians 5 relationship, our marriage is stronger today. However, that was only one of my many temptations.

I have struggled with my weight since I was a teenager. Going up and down in weight (mostly up), trying all the fad diets out there. In 1999-2000, I lost a bunch of weight through Weight Watchers. However, when we moved to Texas, I discovered how much I loved Texas BBQ and Mexican food. The weight quickly returned.

The other primary temptation I had succumbed to was a 30-year love affair with Diet Coke. I averaged 6-8 cans a day most days and bought them by the case full at every sales opportunity.   At just six cans a day, that works out to be 91 cases a year. That does not include the bottles I would buy out of the vending machine for my drive home from work every day. That is a lot of pop/soda for one guy.

On October 31, 2013, I turned 48. Not normally one to care about my age, this one bugged me. Probably because 48 is awfully close to 50 (with apologies to my aged friends and family who have passed the 50 mark). Consequently, I decided that I wanted to gain better control of myself. Not just for health reasons, but because I no longer wanted “things” to control me. Food controlled me. Diet Coke controlled me. I was determined that I would gain discipline over my desires. If I could do that, 50 would not seem so bad (again, apologies to you seasoned citizens).

On November 5, 2013 I committed to lose and maintain a 50-pound weight loss by the time I turned 50. I called it my 50×50 plan. Holidays seem like a crazy time to start a weight loss program but I did not want to wait. I got back on Weight Watchers and followed it strictly every day. Nothing I ate went unrecorded. As I write this, I have lost 49.4 pounds and should reach that 50-pound milestone this week or next. I have gone from a 42 waist to a comfortable 38. A 50R suit coat to a 46R coat. I have spent a bunch of money on new suits and clothes but it has been the best money I have ever spent. Weight Watchers says I should lose another 20 pounds and I am going to try to do so. Mostly, though, now that the weather is finally better, I am going to get outside and get some exercise. Physical laziness will be the next temptation I will conquer.

Now, what about that Diet Coke addiction? On the Friday after Thanksgiving, I drank my last Diet Coke. I had a week of headaches and then another week of fatigue as the caffeine got out of my system. I haven’t touched it since and I feel great. I now drink water and Crystal Light exclusively at home and work. I do miss it at times, but controlling the temptation is building up my “discipline muscles.”

“Blessed is he who perseveres in temptation, for when he has proven he will received the crown of life that he promised to those who love him.” All things are possible with God, even beating food and Diet Coke addictions.

What tempts you each day? What can you do to conquer those temptations?

 

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Interesting Reflection from Dr. Gregory Popcak on Pope Francis

25 Friday Oct 2013

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http://www.patheos.com/blogs/faithonthecouch/2013/09/papa-francis-the-prodigal-and-the-good-son/

Papa Francis, The Prodigal, and “the Good Son.”

September 24, 2013 By 35 Comments

How do you feel about Pope Francis’ style?

I’ve been praying a lot about my reactions to Pope Francis as well the reactions I have read from my fellow Catholic culture warriors.    I have friends–sometimes of the more liberal persuasion (but not all)–who think Pope Francis is an incredible breath of fresh air.  I have other friends–usually more conservative–who can’t believe how much this guy is, in their minds, stinking up the joint.

Ambivalence Observed

As for me, well, I’ve been ambivalent–and honestly, I’ve been troubled and a little ashamed–of my reactions.  In the first place, I have always thought of myself as “the Pope’s man.”  I was 11 when Pope John Paul II was elected to the Throne of Peter and 38 when he died.  I loved him.   I have largely formed my life according to his teachings.    I grew up challenging myself to see marriage and family life through the lens of his Theology of the Body and to do my best to both live out and promote the Church’s vision of life and love.    The same went for Benedict, who was at least a continuation of JPII’s thinking if not his style.  I was fascinated by their minds, intrigued by what I could learn at their feet, and eager to put into practice everything I learned from them, because even though living out their words didn’t necessarily win me any popularity contests by the world’s standards, their counsel taught me how to live a truly blessed life filled with love and faith and joy.  Because of all this, I have, as long as I can remember, had a strong appreciation for the office of the pope.

But…

Which is why my reactions to Pope Francis have bothered me so much.  On the one hand, I find much to admire.  His simplicity.  His heart.  His genuine love for people.  His obvious love for Christ.  On the other hand, I have been genuinely put off–sometimes even angered–by a lot of things he has said that, frankly, have made my job harder.

Remember, most of what I do all day in counseling and on the radio is try to help people live out the Catholic vision of love, sex, and marriage.   In the last several weeks alone, I have had people challenge me in ways I haven’t encountered before.  It used to be that when I made some statement about the Church’s positions on marriage, love and sex, people would accept it.  They wouldn’t always like it, but they knew it was true.   They knew it was true, because even if they didn’t exactly get it, they knew what I was saying at least sounded like what they heard Pope JPII or Pope Benedict say.    But now, all of a sudden, I’m getting a kind-of push back I haven’t experienced before.  “Well, the POPE, said…”  Or,  ”That’s not what Pope FRANCIS said the other day….”  As if I haven’t read the same interviews.   Then, when I try to explain what the Pope actually said, for the first time, people are accusing me not of trying to faithfully represent Church teaching, but of engaging in “conservative spin.”    It’s particularly frustrating for me, because the contexts for these discussions are often not some bar or church basement where I’m having a friendly argument with someone to pass the time, but counseling sessions where marriages and families and lives are at stake.    For heaven’s sake, I recently had a client who was struggling with serious faith issues and depression quit counseling with me a few weeks ago because, in his words, “I’m much more of a Pope Francis/Nancy Pelosi Catholic and you’re an old-school, Pope John Paul II Catholic.”

Ouch.  How did that sting me?  Let me count the ways….

So, yes.  I’ve been…disturbed by a lot of what Pope Francis has been saying–or, perhaps more accurately, by how people have too easily been twisting what he has been saying.  At the same time, I believe in the papacy.  I believe the Holy Spirit has a great deal to do with who sits in the Chair of Peter.  I believe that God knows what he is doing in the Church and even if the papal election is a very human process, I believe that God wants to use whomever is elected to teach us–to teach me–something important about being Catholic at this time in history.  And so, unlike a lot of other people who have been openly angry about Pope Francis, I have tried to stay quiet, to talk through my feelings with a few mature Christians I trust, and, most importantly, to pray.  A lot.

The Return of the Prodigal

The past weekend, God smacked me upside the head with an insight that has been convicting me hard ever since.  As I was praying, I was suddenly reminded–or, really, more like slapped in the face with the memory of–the Prodigal Son.  Well, not the prodigal son, exactly. That would have been OK.  I’m fine being the Prodigal Son.  But no.  That wasn’t who God was reminding me of.  Suddenly, it was like God took my face in his hands and pointed me at a mirror, and I saw…the good son.  The good kid who stayed behind, did everything his father told him to do, was probably a little glad to see his annoying, pain-in-the-ass brother leave in the first place,  and was more than a little upset to see him come back.  You know, the one with the stick up his rear-end whom everyone acknowledges but no one wants to be like.

God showed me that I was being the “good son.”  And I heard a voice say, “My lost children are coming home.  And you are angry.”

And I remembered the words of the story…

Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.  So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’ The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

And I started to cry.

Convicted

Here, in Francis, my Papa was running out into the street to meet my brothers and sisters who were lost but now found.   He was killing the fatted calf and putting the finest robes on them.  He was giving them his ring.   And here I was, stuck doing the same damn thing I’ve always been doing and getting even less thanks for it.   People who left the Church, who hated the Church (and yes, hated and sometimes abused me for loving it), who wouldn’t give the Church a second glance were suddenly realizing that God loved them, that the Church welcomed them, and all I could do was feel bitter about it.  Because it was a fricking inconvenience to me.   I didn’t feel bitter because I don’t love them.   I do.  It wasn’t that I don’t want them to know how much they are loved and welcome.  I do.  But I was bitter because, to be perfectly honest, having to love them the way they are today makes my life harder than I would like it to be.   It isn’t enough for me to  just make statements and then sit in my rightness and be right.   All of a sudden, I have to really listen, to deal with the mess of their lives and put up with–no, actually respect– their “who do you think YOU are?” attitudes.    Yes, I loved them,  truly, but not enough.  Pope Francis was showing me that for all my brave words and self-congratulatory thoughts about my commitment to love my neighbor, I loved my comfort zone a little more than I loved my brother and sister who were coming home after a long time of suffering and loneliness.

And I felt ashamed.

Love and Truth

None of this is to say that the Church’s teachings on love, sex and marriage aren’t true.  And I think Pope Francis is showing us this too.   Likewise, none of this is to say that I have to pretend that the Church’s vision of life shouldn’t be upheld, taught, and proclaimed boldly.  But it is to say that preaching to an empty house, or limiting myself to too easy conversations with only the brothers and sisters who agree with me is useless.  I can still have those discussions I love so much, fight for those causes that matter so much, but first I have to get past the pride and joy I get from “being right.”  From being “the right kind of Catholic.”  From being “the good son.”  I have to show my brothers and sisters that I love them–first and always.  That I want them sitting next to me even though we don’t see eye-to-eye.   I have to be willing to learn from them as much as teach.  To acknowledge that they have things to offer me and that I am glad to be related to them even though we make each other uncomfortable sometimes.   If I can do that, if I can show them the love that Jesus has truly placed in my heart,  then I can have all the family arguments I want–and heck, maybe even win a few of them.  But if they don’t feel the love of Jesus radiating out of me, what’s the use in any of it?  Without love, I am no prophet.  I am just a clanging gong.  A noisy cymbal.

I think I’m starting to get it.  I think God, through Pope Francis, is reminding me that being right is fine, but I need to be even more committed to love because it is love that wins men’s hearts.  It goes back to what Pope Benedict said in Caritas in Veritatem, that taken together, love and truth prevent love from being reduced either to mere sentimentality or fideism.  God is reminding me that I still  have a way to go before I have mastered that art.

“Everything I Have is Yours…”

I guess I’m still processing all this, but in the last few days, I find myself a lot less disquieted by Pope Francis words and even the ways people are trying to twist them.  Let Papa bring my brothers and sisters home.  I love them and I will welcome them.  And I will be happy to continue the family arguments with them, because now that they are coming back home, I can.

Finally, to all my  brothers and sisters who are also my fellow “good sons and daughters” who feel as if their legs have been cut out from underneath them as the very people Pope Francis is running to meet accept his love but twist his words, perhaps we can all take a little comfort along with God’s conviction as we meditate on the Father’s words to the good son at the end of the story.

“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.”

And more importantly,  perhaps we “good sons and daughters” in the family can yet find a place in our hearts for our  returning brothers and sisters and even happily join the party our Papa is throwing for them.

Reflections on Daily Mass

23 Monday Sep 2013

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The requirement to attend mass on Sundays and holy days of obligation is the first precept of the Catholic Faith:

“You shall attend Mass on Sundays and on holy days of obligation and rest from servile labor” requires the faithful to sanctify the day commemorating the Resurrection of the Lord as well as the principal liturgical feasts honoring the mysteries of the Lord, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and the saints; in the first place, by participating in the Eucharistic celebration, in which the Christian community is gathered, and by resting from those works and activities which could impede such a sanctification of these days.  (2042)

About 2 years ago, I began to faithfully fulfill this minimal obligation.  Prior to that, I did attend mass frequently, but if I missed every now and then, it was OK with me.  In fact, I used to volunteer to stay home with the twins when they were much younger so that my wife and oldest daughter could go to mass in peace.  Wasn’t that nice of me?  Anyway, it wasn’t that I hated going to mass, I just didn’t “enjoy” myself.  I was like many who believed that the mass was about me and my needs rather than an opportunity to “commemorate the resurrection of the Lord.”  If I wasn’t entertained or didn’t “get anything out of it,” I didn’t see the point in attending.  However, thanks to several blessings, not the least of which is the example shown by my wife, I rediscovered the true meaning of the mass and don’t miss a Sunday, even on vacation.  I even sacrificed by attending an evening mass once at a neighboring parish which has a showy band for its music.  I really don’t like it when I attend a mass and a rock concert breaks out.  But that is a topic for another time.  Weekly mass has become, for me, an opportunity to worship our Lord and receive the gift of the Eucharist.  I now get as much from the weekly mass as I put into it and it is such a blessing to attend every week.

After I started to understand the mass and all its gifts, I would occasionally attend a weekday mass at either St. Francis de Sales in Lebanon or at St. Peter in Chains Cathedral in downtown Cincinnati, close to my office at UC.  I actually made my first confession in 30 years to a priest at the Cathedral so it will always have a special place in my heart.  I attended daily mass when the mood struck me but with no consistency or compelling urge to do so.  However, just over 9 weeks ago I looked at my calendar for the week and saw two glorious things.  First, my boss was out of town all week.  Second, because she was out of town, all my morning meetings were cancelled.  I decided on the spur of the moment that I would attend daily mass every day that week and see how I liked it.

During that week I attended the 7 a.m. mass at St. Gertrude church in Madeira.  I was surprised by how many people were at mass.  There were probably over 30 people every day, mostly the same ones day after day.  The next week, I decided to continue morning mass but was challenged one day with a meeting away from my office that interfered with 7 a.m. mass.  Using www.masstimes.org, I found a church near my meeting location that had a 6:30 a.m. mass.  I went there instead that day and returned to St. Gertrude for the rest of the week.  I next found that I could still get to mass before a 7 a.m. meeting if I went to 6 a.m. mass at St. Xavier in downtown Cincinnati.  I figured, “what kind of nut goes to 6 a.m. mass in the middle of the week?”  Evidently, there are about 25-35 nuts who get up that early every day and I had become one of them.

After I figured out that I could leave my house by 6:15 every day and still get to the Cathedral before 7 a.m., I have consistently attended mass there along with the same 20-25 people.  There is the women who reads the entrance and communion antiphons every day.  There is the guy who always comes in with his backpack and the lady with her rustling Wal-Mart bags.  There is the woman who wears a mantilla, sits right up front and, for some reason, holds a small doll throughout the mass.  They are all there, every day, worshipping God through the mass.

There are all kinds of ways to build your relationship with God.  I have found that attending daily mass has brought me closer to Him and is a great way to start my day.  Try it for a week and let me know what you think.

Confession: Why Bother?

18 Thursday Apr 2013

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Psalm 25:11  “For the sake of your name, O LORD, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.”

Throughout late 2010 and into all of 2011, I worked to become a better spiritual leader to Elissa and my three daughters.  However, I struggled with the guilt of my past sins and prayed for guidance frequently.  The answer, of course, was in front of me every Saturday afternoon before 5:30 mass but I tried not to see it.  In December of 2011, God finally got through my thick skull that I needed to reconcile with Him by confessing my sins to Him through the sacrament of reconciliation.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says, “The confession of sins, even from a simply human point of view, frees us and facilitates our reconciliation with others.  Through such an admission, man looks squarely at the sins he is guilty of, takes responsibility for them, and thereby opens himself again to God and to the communion of the Church in order to make a new future possible.”

The problem was that I hadn’t been to confession in over 30 years and couldn’t even remember what to do.  I had to look up the rules on-line and re-memorize an act of contrition.  It seemed simple enough:  Walk in, say hello Father it has been 30 years since my last confession.  He’ll then ask me to state my sins.  I figured that might take awhile for me.  After that, he might ask me questions for clarification and then ask me to make an act of contrition, give me penance, and say a prayer of absolution.  Why was it so hard for me to step into the confessional?

During Advent of 2011, I finally worked up the nerve to go.  I did not tell Elissa in advance just in case I chickened out.  I went to 7 a.m. mass downtown at the cathedral, spoke with the priest after mass, and confessed the worst of my past.  When I was done, I felt a wave of relief and lightness in my soul that I had never felt before.  Elissa and I had always joked that if I ever went, the poor priest’s head would explode with all my sins.  I sent a simple text to Elissa “The priest’s head didn’t explode.”

Ephesians 4:22-24  “You should put away the old self of your former way of life, corrupted through deceitful desires, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new self, created in God’s way in righteousness and holiness of truth.”

Reconciliation brought me great relief and a renewed desire to grow in my faith.  It brought me closer to God, and made me want to amend my life in several ways.

Reconciliation made me want to grow in my faith.  I signed up for a Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) weekend in April 2012.  Hearing the stories of the men during my receiving weekend moved me deeply.  I realized that I was not alone in my troubles and that there was hope for a sinner like me.  I attended reconciliation that weekend and felt a new sense of peace.  I also did something I never thought I would do, join a CRHP giving team.  Those six months were a blessing in my life as I came to know, love, and respect all the men on my giving team.  Those blessings continued in March of 2013 when I joined several other men in Morristown, Tennessee to present CRHP for the very first time to 19 men at St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.

Reconciliation made me want to be a better husband to Elissa.  To help with that, Elissa and I attended a marriage encounter weekend in May 2012.  If you have not gone to one, I highly recommend it.  We learned so much about each other, improved our communication, and renewed our commitment to each other.  During that weekend, we promised each other that we would try couples prayer.  Neither of us had much experience with spontaneous prayers said aloud.  I am happy to say that we have prayed together for a year now and it continues to bring us closer to each other and to God.

Reconciliation made me want to be a better father to my girls.  Dr. Meg Meeker, in her book, “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” wrote, “Our daughters need the support that only fathers can provide—and if you are willing to guide your daughter, to stand between her and a toxic culture, to take her to a healthier place, your rewards will be unmatched…The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long-term is by losing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her.  If you don’t provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will.”

In the summer of 2012, I started date night with Daddy for the girls.  Each month, one of my daughters picks an activity for just the two of us.  I have taken them to baseball games, fancy dinners at the Golden Lamb, and putt-putt golfing at the Web on Cincinnati-Dayton Road.  What we do together isn’t really the point.  What is important to the girls is that they get one-on-one time with their father.  I do this to try to demonstrate what love is to my girls so that as they get older they do not seek love from others in inappropriate ways.

Reconciliation made me want to be an active participant at our parish.  I did that by becoming a lector last year.  It has helped me focus on God’s word and set a leadership example to my wife and daughters.  One benefit I got from lectoring is that on August 26, 2012, I got to read Ephesians 5 to the congregation.  God spoke to me in August 2010 through that passage, urging me to serve my family by leading them to Him.  I read it from the heart because it has had such a strong and lasting impact on my marriage.

I am still a sinner, always will be, but with the sacrament of reconciliation and God’s grace, I can now confidently, and without hypocrisy, lead my family in our spiritual life.  I thank Him every day for another opportunity to do His will.

If you have avoided this sacrament, I encourage you to step out in faith and step into the confessional.  You will not regret it.

Spiritual Leadership of the Family

10 Wednesday Apr 2013

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At a Christ Renews His Parish (CRHP) weekend in October 2012, I read the following passage from Philippians 2:1-11 to all men in the room:

“If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy, make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves. Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others. Let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, being born in human likeness. And being found in human form, he humbled himself and became obedient to the point of death— even death on a cross.  Therefore God also highly exalted him and gave him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bend, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

I chose this passage because it continued my witness theme of servant leadership.  In the secular world we think of leadership as telling people what to do and how to do it.  We expect people to follow us and meet our needs.  But a servant leader is just the opposite.  Our obligation is to find out what our family needs and and strive to meet those needs.  We should determine both their spiritual and physical needs.  Most importantly, however, are their spiritual needs.  There is no “one size fits all” for spiritual needs.  Some of our wives/families may need us to spend more time in prayer with them.  Some may want us to attend Mass more often.  Others may need us to encourage them to more ferverently pursue their faith.  For example, recently my wife was asked to take on a long-term leadership role of the women’s CRHP program.  While she may have had doubts about her fitness for the role, I believed that it was the right position for her because it would put her in a position to build up her faith and effect the faith journeys of other women.  So, I encouraged her to take the position and she did.

Our faith journeys are individual choices hopefully supported by our families and our faith/parish community.  We may not all share the same specific religious affiliation but I know we do share the same faith in God and our savior Jesus Christ.  Again, another personal example… One of my seven sisters and her husband are not Catholic.  However, they are two of the most God loving/worshiping people I know who have raised an outstanding son.  Joe is a true servant leader to my sister and their son.  When I start to get lazy in my leadership I look to Joe as my model.  When we spend time together discussing “religion,” we emphasize our common areas of faith rather than any differences in worship practices.  Reflecting on that last sentence, I really should do a better job building up that relationship.

To close this out, how can we be better spiritual leaders in our home?  My answer is that our needs must die to the needs of our family.  Jesus Christ literally died for us so that we might have a chance for eternal life.  The very least we can do is allow our needs to die to the greater spiritual needs of our family.  Spiritual leadership is encouraging our wives and family in the pursuit of a deeper relationship with God in whatever way they find most meaningful.